I'm trying my best.

Dear Lailah,
You are currently 8.5 and I've begun homeschooling you this year. You hate reading, writing, and social studies. You are supposed to do schoolwork for 5 hours a day and you postpone for over 1.5 hours each day. It is driving me insane. I just sent you to lay down to take a nap because you've been whining non stop nearly all day. You're refusing to pay attention to what is being taught to you. Idk what to do. I want to homeschool you because the school systems here are absolutely terrible and the bullying in schools is out of control. But at the same time I feel like I can't teach you anything when you literally ignore what is being taught to you.
Other than school you are an incredible little human who is compassionate, heart felt, caring, thoughtful, fun, enthusiastic, you demonstrate leadership qualities, you are a positive role model for your brother and others, you are helpful, and smart. You just hate paying attention to things you don't feel interested in and you like to push boundaries.
You still see a therapist - Gabrielle, for your anxiety. You like going to see her, although, you push boundaries with her as well. She will ask you to pick 3 colors and you'll try to pick 6 colors. You push whatever you can if you feel you can get away with it. I usually have to step in and enforce a boundary for you to abide by.
You are in cheerleading and you really enjoy it - although, you say you do not want to do it again next year. You knew going into it that you would have to complete the season so I think you're doing your best to do just that. You really do like it, but you're not fond of the strict rules.
We had a really fun day last Friday, I think it was, we invited your dad to go to IHOP with us all and we spent time as a family. Afterwards, your dad took us all mini golfing. It was a lot of fun. <3 I really like that your dad doesn't have any issues including himself in our family because I feel that is really beneficial for you in the long run.

<3 I love you. I really truly want the best for you and sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right choices or if I am doing the right things, but I am trying, I am honestly trying my best.

You've reached 8.5 - and a post about who I am at this point in your life.

Dear Lailah,
You have passed the 8.5 age mark and are headed quickly into age 9. You are such a kind, thoughtful, helpful, loving, understanding, and energetic little girl. You make my heart happy. You've joined cheerleading this year and you really enjoy it. I was nervous at first about you getting into cheerleading since you previously have complained about attending sports often but you're doing really well with it, even though it's almost nightly and on Sundays as well.
You're also being homeschooled by me this year. It's stressful for me and difficult because I have both you and your brother to tend to. You need most of my attention since you do best with me reading the information to you and helping you understand the content while your brother also demands my attention because he is only 2 and bored. But we will find a way to make it work, we've just started a couple weeks ago and we're still getting into the swing of things.

You still really hate sleeping in your own bed, even though you sleep in our room. You have anxiety, so you get very anxious about it. We have started this past week putting your brother and you to bed in the same bed but your brother crawls into ours a few hours later. Most mornings after Justin leaves for work you crawl into bed with us, your brother and I, as well.

I was thinking spur of the moment, that maybe you would like to know about who I am at this point in life. I was thinking to myself how I would have liked something to look back on to see who my mom was and what she thought about herself when I was little. So, here it is:

I'm 26 at the moment. I am a mom first and foremost. Next, I am an activist. I stand with others who work to protect the innocence and rights of children. I am extremely anti routine circumcision. Circumcision is a barbaric act of torture done to baby boys here in America. Little boys are defenseless and parents have their penis skinned alive. It is something that should absolutely not be done. I work with others on informing expecting parents of the dangers and harms of circumcision. I also am admin of a gentle parenting page as I advocate for respectful parenting. I am not a perfect parent as neither is most parents. But I work hard at being the best mom I know how to be. I read gentle parenting books and I work hard on healing myself so that I can be the best mom I can be. I yell sometimes, I get frustrated, I am human and I am still growing as a person, as an individual. I spend a lot of time on the internet, on Facebook. I honestly have an addiction to it and I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying to limit how much time I spend on it and I've been working on spending more time with you and your brother. But the internet is the only place I really get adult interaction. As much as I love your brother and you, I NEED adult interaction too. Especially on days where I am stressed to the max and need help cooling down - I can instantly message and vent to a friend and it helps tremendously. I am anti vaccine because of the dangerous toxins contained in them all, the formaldehyde, the aluminum, the animal kidneys, tissues, and bloods, the human fetal DNA, the mercury, among other harmful toxic carcinogens. Nevermind the fact that hundreds thousands of children are permanently disabled or dead because of vaccine injuries. Vaccines destroy the blood brain barrier of the brain which leads to all kinds of complications. I am pro choice because I believe that a woman should have the choice whether or not to bring a new life into the world for her to either raise herself or live with the daily torture of someone raising her child for her. There are many circumstances that are out of our control in which raising a child is not suitable or desirable at that time and no woman should be forced to carry a child and birth it - the child doesn't deserve that either, being born to a mother who can not raise him or her properly and the only option being some sort of trauma. I am very anti infant adoption and pro family preservation. Adoption is a multi billion dollar industry that preys on typically young resourceless women who are facing depression. They use her hormonal state against her and lead her to believe she can not parent, that parenting would be selfish of her, that she is unworthy etc. Yes, that's what happened to me with your brother Bennett. We can talk more about it when you're an adult. Probably after you receive this, if you're interested.
Hm, I think I touched on everything.... This is who I am right now, I may or may not change over time. But what I know will not change for sure is my love for you. <3

Past tidbits of you lol

LOL Facebook has reminded me of some things from previous years today :

Last year - Justin went in the kitchen to make mommy food.
You called out to him asking if he is in the kitchen.
He replied, no that he is on the roof
You said, "Really? Jump off the roof!"

You: I got a big Nog Head.
Justin: What?
You: I got a big Nog Head, look *slams you head into his and laughs hysterically.*
Justin: OWWWWWWWWW
You: See !! That's my big Noggin !
lmao, you're so funny. - 2013

I made a post about how your softball team called you Peanut while cheering you on at base to bat. In 2013.

You took up the entire bed as I was in the bathroom. When I got back you were singing, "I'm taking the whole bed up" over and over. So I laid on you and started biting your cheeks.
You: Don't eat me, you little MONSTER!!! I'm not FOOD!!"
LOL - 2013

You and I got out of the shower, I was getting dressed but you were slacking.
Me: Come on, get dressed, What are you waiting for?
You: Santa Claus *laughs hysterically*
hahahha, :p - 2012

Lailah reading One fish Two fish Blue fish Red fish - "Some are happy, some are sad, and some are mean !!! Some are nice....
One falls... guess what? Oh well... One can fly, one can fly !!
How many hands I have?! One, two, three, for, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen !!
Push the bike up, push the bike up ! STOP, three !
Mom... I really don't like this bed.. my feet are sticking out !
Oh... okay mom.... bye.
As you can... oh. Ohh I get two fishy ! I get a moon ! Hello?
I can't do stuff, I wanted... I got a book, call it a book.
Look, he open the gate and water goes all over him, all over he's floor because his curtain is open... splashing the floor... nevermind washing up, he's a baby.
Drinking all the way down.. this is him tummy. He's still drinking.
Next and again !
some and spray, I'm gonna hand a cake. hot and spray, I could it's pouring and rain, I don't like the rain so I took this on my head. Sprayed water all over the place he has to get nice and clean.
hello mom, he has to get his cord okay, look, the mouse cut the cord.
Cutting your hair in the pool... I dropped all mine *laughs* rings go on he's head.
And he's stuck in the puddle !
He's sleeping... anddddddddd.... hot and spray, shut the bugs off, I got your hand and you can do it.
The end."
LOLOLOL - 2012

The ways of your grandmother

Dear Lailah,
Last Monday there was a situation where Justin had set a limit with you, he told you that you had to come home because I sent him to go pick you up. You were begging him to call me and Noel was tantruming and he got overwhelmed. When he got overwhelmed he said, "No Lailah, you do not need to call your mom because we are going home. Your mom sent me to pick you up and that's what I'm doing." He was not wrong in setting this limit with you but you persisted and he let you call me. When you called me I told you you had to come home because you had softball... Then we hung up and Justin called me. While we were on the phone I overheard your Mammee, my "mom", flipping out on Justin, screaming at him like a crazy person. She then told Justin to have me call her, which I did. During that call she was screaming at me that Justin is abusive to you (which he is not, he simply set a limit with you) and that I should leave him. I refused to leave him and reminded her that my dad used to beat me as a kid and that was acceptable but now limits are not? She got even more angry and she started threatening me. I hung up on her and she called back but I forwarded it. She left me a nasty message full of threats which she later followed through on.
I am telling you all this so that one day when you want to know why your grandmother isn't in your life you'll have this to look back on instead of me saying I don't remember. This isn't the first time she's been like this. The last time we cut contact with her for a while was when she locked us out of her house while we lived in the basement and you kept knocking on the door to eat and she ignored you for hours and hours until I finally left and took you with me and we moved in with Papa Doug. Before that she kicked me out when I was pregnant with Bennett and she kept you from me, threatening me that she would have DCYF take you away from me and give you to her if I tried to take you with me. I was so afraid of her back then... but I am NOT afraid of her anymore.
I have had to make the difficult decision to eliminate her from all of our lives. She is not healthy for any of us nor she is stable enough to attempt a relationship with. She does this with everyone in her life. She is a narcissist and she will never change. When you're an adult, if you want to, you can attempt a relationship with her yourself. But I want you to be fully warned on who she is and who she most likely always will be. I'm 26 and in all these years she hasn't changed... as her daughter I have never been important to her, I've never meant anything to her, and she has never loved me.  Narcissists can't love... the only way they pretend to love anyone is if that person benefits them in some way. When I no longer  was benefitting her she no longer needed me and so she wanted to tear Justin and I up so that I would need her and therefore she could use and manipulate me. I don't want this for you or your brother. As much as I don't want her to ever abuse me again - I couldn't live with myself if I allowed her to ever hurt you or your brother in the ways that she's hurt me.
She's done everything she could to hurt us. She's taken my van, she's turned off our phones, she's kicked us down.
But Justin and I are working our butts off for you and your brother and we're gonna make it work. We will figure it out.
I also let you know that everything that happened had NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with how unstable your grandmother is.. you were being a normal 8 year old and Justin was setting a healthy limit as your caretaker as he should. Neither of you were in the wrong. I let you know how important you are to me and our family and that we love you very very much.
We do, you are a piece to our puzzle and we can't imagine life without you.
I love you, my sweet girl. <3 to the moon and back.

Lailah answers questions age 8

Lailah answers questions age 8:

At what age is a person an adult? And why do you think so?
Would be... I'll say 20. Because 20 is like an adult number and like 15, 13, 19 and stuff like that is like teenagers and kids is up to 10... 5, 9, 3, and babies are up to 1, 2, 3... and then so that's why I think 20 should be an adult. And now you know why 20 should be an adult.

If you could change one rule that your family has what would it be?
Asking for stuff like ice cream, if we could go out places, and not being told to go to bed.

What is something that makes your family special?
Everything. Just everything.

Of all the things you're learning, what do you think will be the most useful when you're an adult?
Read, write, being nice, math, not procrastinating.

How would the world be different if animals could talk?
It would be different because animals don't talk.

Would you cheat on a test if you knew you wouldn't get caught? Why or why not?
No because I like to try and learn and try things on myself and try to learn how to spell and get some help if I need help I'll ask the teacher rather than try to cheat because that wouldn't be very nice.

If you could grow up to be famous what would you want to be famous for?
An artist!  A singer, a teacher, a paramedic, a music teacher, a mom, dancer, jumper.

If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?
nothing

What is the hardest thing about being a kid?
School.

If you were a teacher, and all the kids in your class were not listening to you, what would you do?
Go tell the principle to come in and make them be quiet.

If you could give one gift to every single child in the world, what would you give?
Their favorite thing.

What five words do you think most describes you?
Nice, kind, loving, happy, emotional

What would you think would be the hardest thing about being blind?
That you can't see.

If you had to make one rule that everyone in the world had to follow, what rule would you make, and why?
No making wars, no fighting. Because that is being mean and you could hurt other people.

Who is your best friend?
Mya, Lucinda, Lolinda, Noel, my family, Savannah, Braiden, McKaiden, Felix, Julianna, and that's it.

If you had 3 wishes what would you wish for?
Go places, have fun, and be with my family.

Name one thing that scares you.
Bees.

What is the best and worst thing about your mom?
That she loves me and cares about me... and nothing that is worse.
Are you sure?
yes.

What is the best and worst thing about your dad?
That he loves me and cares about me, and that he threatens to ground me.

What is the best and worst thing about your step dad?
He cares about me, loves, and that he yells at me.

What do you do when you're scared to make it less scary?
If I'm scared of something I tell somebody and they handle it and I won't be scared anymore.

Who is the worst person in the world?
Mean people who I don't even know.

What is the most disgusting thing you can think of?
Fighting.

8 years old and a difficult year ahead..

Dear Lailah,
You have turned 8 this month. Recently has been quite hard on you and I both. In January I was hospitalized for a few weeks and you had a really difficult time with that. I am really sorry to you but I needed the help for me to be the best mom I can be for you. I am sorry that my past unresolved issues and traumas impact the kind of mom I am for you.. I really truly am trying my very best each and every day. I have been reading books on peaceful parenting, working on stopping my yelling impulses, and I've really been trying to reconnect more and more with you each day. It's really difficult though because you are emotionally struggling really bad recently and I don't know what I can do to help you. I've put you into play therapy - you've had 3 visits so far. I don't know if it will be of any benefit to you yet. You are a very sensitive little girl and I don't know how to help you through your emotions. Knowing that, it makes me feel very sad and helpless. When I was a child I got beat for having my emotions, I got told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." And that really affected me.. now as an adult I struggle with knowing what to do to help you through those big tough emotions. I've been trying to cuddle with you, hold you, let you know that I am there and I hear your emotions but sometimes it seems to make it worse. I have been feeling lately that no matter what I do, I can't make you happy.. and your happiness is all I want for you; well - and your health. Your health is a given. I couldn't imagine anything ever endangering you, it would ruin me.
I didn't do so well on your birthday, I regret it, and I am very sorry. I let something on Facebook trigger and upset me and I couldn't control how upset it made me. I ended up leaving Friendly's early and went to sit in the car. I should have been better for you. I should have controlled my emotions or had not even gotten involved with it in the first place. It was a video of a little girl with her mom hitting her in the face with a rolled magazine in front of her classroom and other people were praising the mom, saying she was doing a good thing.. and it really upset me and set me off. I wasn't 100% for you and you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry. :(
I just hope you know how entirely much I love you. I truly truly do. <3