Turned 13 recently

Hey baby,

 This past year has flown by. For the first time in the history of ever, children had to figure out how to learn through a laptop at home. You had electronic meets with your teachers for most of the past two school years. It was difficult but you did it and you did it so well. You struggled and many tears were shed in the process, due to your anxiety, but you did your best and held good grades. In Spanish your grade is a little low because Spanish is hard and I can only imagine how much harder doing it through a screen only. 

I’m so proud of you. 

I love you more than I could ever imagine. 

You’ve recently turned 13. For your present this year I let you get your nose pierced. You love it but you have ripped it out a couple times already, though you’ve been able to get it back in, thankfully lol 

You’re the sweetest, most helpful, loving little girl. You don’t FEEL that way but that’s what I see when I look at you. You’re helpful with your siblings, despite fighting frequently, you’re actually really great with them most of the time. 

You’re a typical teenager in this generation - obsessed with tiktok, which was also a birthday gift, Roblox, and Snapchat. You also play a game called Covet with me :) 

You still like to color your hair different colors when you can get the chance. 

Not much else to report in on. I love you so much 💗 

Love, mom 

age 12

Dear Lailah,
You've just turned 12. For your birthday I got you a ring because now you're too grown up for much of anything else. Even though you're completely obsessed with JoJo Siwa, you pretty much own everything of hers already lol. Mammy makes sure that you always have the latest hair bow and special items.
You're an incredible human and I am so grateful that you're in my life. You're so helpful, kind, and thoughtful. You make me pictures and write me letters telling me how much you love me all the time. I am so blessed to be your mom. <3
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you watching you grow into an adult one day. No matter what, I am proud of you, always.

11 already!!

Dear Lailah,
Today you are 11. I can't believe it. I know that I probably say that every year, in every post I write. But it's so crazy to me how quickly time passes.
You are such an incredible human and I'm so proud of who you are. I love you so much and I can't imagine my life without you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom and accepting my faults. Thank you for helping me learn to grow as a human here on this Earth. Thank you for showing me what it's like to be pure, loving, accepting, and kind.
You are so full of compassion and empathy, you honestly want good for everybody. You still battle anxiety but I believe that those of us who are sensitive always will. Being sensitive is a curse sometimes but it's also a blessing. One day, when you can meet your anxiety, you'll have so much open up to you.

You are just so sweet. Your teacher in school loves you and says that you are her best student, you're a little mother hen and absolutely adore your baby sister, and you're just so full of sunshine. You're honestly my favorite big girl.
Soon, you will be a teen, so I'm going to appreciate and treasure these last moments of your childhood with you the best I can, I promise. <3 we are going to continue to snuggle, watch movies and shows, talk about school, play games, wrestle, and so much more until you blossom into the next stage in your life and shed some of those things. It's ok though baby girl, I'll follow you anywhere you go, I'll be there for you, and I'll support you.
This year you're really taken a liking to anything JoJo Siwa, she's a 13 year old millionaire who was on a show but who now owns tons of merch lines and has a youtube channel. You also have taken a liking to twins on youtube and you watch all different ones channels. You're also a huge fan of The Labrant Family and you keep yourself updated on them consistently.
I know that you'll be amazing in life because you already are. Your essence is pure and you'll always carry it with you. <3 I see your struggle and I know that you'll always make it out the light and when you're struggling, I will be there to help guide you to it, so please always let me, deal?
I love you so much and I can't wait to have more years with you as one of my littles. My oldest little. <3 Thank you for making me a mom and for being you.
Love forever, Mommy.

Update on you - 10.5 yo

Dear Lailah,

You and Emily

You're obsessed with Jo-Jo Siwa

There's a lot going on in your life right now. You're handling it really well on the outside but I know it's really bothering you on the inside. Your dad recently broke up with Emily - his girlfriend of the past 2 years. He proposed to her and they got engaged a few months ago. Recently, Emily discovered your dad was cheating with a co-worker, your dad denied it and broke up with her, leaving her completely heartbroken. Emily gave him almost $12,000 to pay his back child support, bought his car, and helped him go to school - and he just left her with nothing.

Your father tried telling her that she will not be allowed to see you anymore - I told him only I can make that decision. He was trying to say that just to hurt her. But there's no way I will let your dad take someone whose been like a mother to you for the past 2 years from your life because he decided to be an asshole. She has never been a danger in your life and she's done nothing but love you and care about.
You're starting 5th grade this year tomorrow. You're quite nervous but I am really advocating hard for you this year. I've already brought you to the neurodevelopmental center - we've had the interview and now we're waiting for the 6-8 hour long pediatric developmental doctor's evaluation. I'm also submitting a request for you to be evaluated at school through the special education department for your anxiety and possible learning disability. We will get your help so you can succeed in school this year and every year after. I will always fight on your behalf for you to have all opportunities available to you.
Otherwise, you're amazing. You're mature for your age, your kind, sweet, loving, empathetic, and so responsible and helpful. You do fight with your brother but you're absolutely incredible with your baby sister and you love her so entirely much.
You recently had a video I recorded, where you shared such insight and intelligence too, I'll post it here for you.
You're an incredible little human and I'm so happy that you're my daughter.
I love you baby,
Love mommy. <3

Anxiety struggle

Dear Lailah,
Last night I transferred you and your brother back to your own room. You absolutely did not want to. You cried, a lot... and I got very overwhelmed and frustrated. I tried to help you work on slow deep breathing, I tried to help you focus on a mantra "I am safe, I am brave, I can do this". I sat with you and read you a couple books. I tried to help you adjust best I could but you wouldn't.

Your sister started crying and I told you that when you were ready to please let me go tend to your sister.. but you refused. An hour went by and your baby sister (6weeks) was still in the other room screaming her head off, crying, obviously needing me. She was with Justin but she wanted me and she wanted to nurse. You refused to let me go tend to her. I sat with you a while longer, increasingly feeling overwhelmed as every fiber of my being continued shouting at me to tend to my newborn.

I ended up getting up and going to sit on the couch in the living room in an attempt to calm myself down. I was feeling anxious myself - overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry that it was so late and I was exhausted. I contemplated calling the crisis hospital hotline because I was just not in a good healthy or safe place in my mind at all. I went in the room to go out to the car to get the number from my hospital folder (I've been in a partial program the past 2 weeks for postpartum depression and anxiety) but then your sister woke back up again - screaming for me. So I took her from Justin to nurse her but then I snapped. I started throwing stuff off the bed at the walls. You then came in again - apologizing - but that just added fuel to my fire, I was already feeling like a failure, I knew that I was spiraling out of control and you feeling at fault had me feeling worse, because I knew it had nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with myself.

I then went in your room and I lost control of  myself. I started yelling at you that I couldn't do it anymore, that I can't and shouldn't be a mom, that I can't be what you need me to be or want me to be, that I was failing. I yelled saying that it had nothing to do with you because I knew you can't control your anxiety (just like I was having a hard time controlling my own emotions and behavior) but that I still felt how I did and how guilty I felt about that. I said I believed that you were better off living with your dad, Justin and I getting divorced, the baby being adopted, and me disappearing (which obviously wouldn't and won't help your anxiety at all - if anything it would just cause more fear for you).. but I was so lost mentally and emotionally. I sat on the bed and I cried my eyes out. You came over to comfort me.. you told me I am a good mom and that I'm doing the best I can, that you didn't want me to do any of those things and that you were sorry. I kept telling you that it's not your fault that I'm broken, that I am damaged and I shouldn't have had kids, and that's something wrong with me - not you at all. I can't handle life. A few more hours went by until you finally fell asleep and I was able to go lay down and sleep - it was nearly midnight. I continued crying most of the night.

In all the parenting books I read, it advises against award systems, sticker charts, earning money, etc... but in the past it's worked well for you. I asked you today if you think a sticker chart would help you overcome your anxiety at night, that we could make and decorate a chart together and then if you can sleep in your own room without huge anxiety outbursts and using your coping skills instead that we would go out and celebrate at the end of the week or month or something to further be discussed. I hope that it helps you without harming you further in any way. I don't know what else to do to help the both of us.

This whole parenting thing is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be - every age has a new set of challenges and each child has their own personality - what worked before may not work with the next child. Not only that, but I'm forced to face a lot of my own past, my own trauma, my own childhood. I get flashbacks and last night I kept being brought back to when I was around your age... how my dad would just come in and hit me over and over before demanding that I go to sleep immediately. I would cry and cry until I fell asleep. That's all I knew. I don't know how to do better but I am TRYING. I fell apart.. I'm human and I am full of errors, mistakes, and damage. I feel like I've already damaged you since your anxiety is so bad... and I hate myself for it. I wish I could be better for you and your siblings and all I know is that I will keep trying the best I can for all of you each day, every day, because it's all I can do.

I love you, and I am tremendously sorry for yelling at you and I hope that now, as you're reading this as an adult that you can understand how difficult this night was for us both. I am sorry that I wasn't stronger and that I couldn't work through my shit better to be there for you, I crumbled, and I know that you deserved better. I'm sorry.. and I love you so so much.

You mean the world to me,
Love mommy. <3

I am so blessed by you

This is copied from my other post...

Dear Lailah,
This post is copied from another area I posted it in. You are one of the absolutely most incredible and amazing people in my life, I feel so incredibly blessed and proud to have you in my life. You mean the world to me and Idk where I would be with you. You've helped shape me into who I am and you continue to every day. You inspire me to be better every day and I love you more than words could ever explain.

:


Last night I was in a mood from hell. I was cranky, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I needed to fall apart. I took a bath, which didn’t help. I then decided I would sleep in the kids room alone (they sleep in my room and everyone bed shares).

Once Lailah (10) realized that I wasn’t sleeping in my room she began to panic and cry. Which upset me (wrongfully so, but emotions can be so irrational) because I was already in a tough mood. I was in their room and tears just started flowing and my nose got stuffed and ran everywhere, I needed some tissues. So I went in my room to grab the box of tissues and Lailah was still freaking out. I ended up yelling out that not everything is about her and that I have the right to have a hard time and take care of myself when I need to, then I slammed the door. I obviously was acting like a child - impulsive, emotional, out of control, self centered, etc. I went back in their room and cried some more. And of course reflected on my behavior.

 I fought back and forth in my mind on which way to go - how to handle this - what is the “best” way. But I don’t think there’s a “right” answer. Some people would say that leaving it like that isn’t right, that my child would feel disconnected, at fault, guilt and shame, etc - and I knew she was crying alone, having a hard time too. Others would say that calling her in to me, telling her - explaining to her what was going on would cause my child to feel as if “fixing me” was her responsibility, that her feelings didn’t matter and mine did, that she would feel insignificant or as if she had to fulfill the “parental role”. I reflected on this for some time. Feeling like these were my only two options.

 I ended up deciding that her crying alone was worse for her so I called her in to lay with me. Snuggled up in her twin sized bed together she asked me what was wrong. The tears started flowing again and I told her, “I really miss your brother and I’m having a hard time with his birthday coming up and your sister isn’t born yet and it’s hard.”
She responded, “That must be horrible for you, because you love him and you want to be in his life and know him and you can’t.”
I said back, “I wish I could know him, I miss him so much.”
She started stroking my arm and saying, “I know mommy, sometimes in life, things happen that we don’t like and sometimes things come up that are hard and we wish they wouldn’t but there’s nothing we can do about them but deal with them.”
I said, “I wish I knew how to deal with them.”
She responded, “You are, you’re crying and it’s ok to cry. Everyone cries sometimes, and you’re allowed to cry mommy, it’s ok, you can cry.”
After a pause and more contemplating, I told her that I asked Liz to know Bennett and that she ignored me. Lailah responded by continuing to be loving, empathetic, kind, and supportive.
“I know that must be difficult. You want to know him and be in his life, you love him and miss him and that’s hard.”
I told her, “I love all of you, all my babies, and its really hard for me not having one of you here with me.”
Still stroking my arm she said, “I know mommy, I know, it’s going to be ok”
I continued falling apart, “I wish I was stronger, that I somehow found a way to keep him with us, that none of this ever happened.”
She responded back “Mommy, you did the best you could do, what you felt you could do, and that’s all you could do. You do your best in the situation you’re in and that’s what you did. And it’s ok to feel sad about that.”
I continued crying and she continued rubbing my arm and snuggling up to me until we fell asleep.

 Now - most would probably see that she felt obligated to “parent” me. But I see this as my amazing, incredible little girl being who she is. Kind, loving, caring, supportive. And this isn’t just a “parenting” technique. She will use these qualities and traits throughout her life - with friends, with partners, and hopefully with herself as well. She held space for me, she supported me, and through it she loved me. And to be honest I don’t think anyone else could have been as supportive toward me as she was. Maybe I was wrong, but leaving her alone in the other room crying, feeling at fault for how I felt, feeling ignored, feeling disconnected and cast aside - wasn’t right either.

Happy 10th bday baby girl!

Today this happened, and I made mistakes, obviously, but then I did my best to fix it and repair my relationship with you as well as help you with your emotions.

I asked you to unplug the things plugged into the wall today. You was making excuses saying you can’t and that you didn’t know what I was talking about blah blah. So I was like “never mind” then you snapped “don’t even start with me!” Which triggered me, that’s your father, my exes, mother coming out of you (she often talks like that). So I said “I just said never mind! It’s not a big deal!” 

I wanted to blow dry my hair but the fuse got blown just by plugging it in because you wouldn’t unplug the things in the room (which you've done many times and I know you could). But it really wasn’t a big deal. So then you kept yelling at me and said “you’re making me frustrated and angry!” I said “I’m not in control of your emotions, the only person in control of your emotions is you! I can’t make you feel any sort of way.” So then Noel, who is 4atm, went to put this paper elf you guys made together and cut out back on the door handle of our little blue cabinet and you screamed at him about it. You were already heated and yelled “what do you think you’re doing?!” And I said “Lailah, it fell when you opened the cabinet earlier, he was just trying to help” you then yelled “well he’s going to ruin it!” I said rashly and upset “no he won’t! Don’t open your mouth anymore while you’re in this mood because nothing you say is nice” which I feel guilty for. I know it was wrong of me, and instantly regretted it. 

Then you started screaming and crying and saying your day is ruined. We were getting ready to meet my mom, your Mammy, for breakfast and at this point I was spent, which is no excuse, I have to work better on my own impulse control - and I am doing my best. Then I said “really? You’re really going to start this now? Is it really a big deal? Is all of this worth it?!” 

Then I went knew I had to calm myself and regain control, so I went into the bathroom and started doing my makeup in attempt to take myself out of the situation for a couple mins to calm down best I could. As I was you stormed by to go into your room and as you were passing I said “Lailah, come here please” so you pivoted and yelled “What?!” I said “I want to apologize.” You asked, why?! I said “I’m trying to apologize because I shouldn’t have snapped at you and I’m sorry.” Then you cried “I’m having a bad day and it’s my birthday and I’m already having a bad day because I was rude and you told me to keep my mouth shut!” 

So then I went and sat on my bed and asked you to come sit in my lap. You came and sunk into my lap laying into me. I apologized again for what I said and told you I shouldn’t say that, that I was upset and I say things I shouldn’t sometimes but that it’s not ok and I’ll work better at it in the future. I asked you how you felt, you told me that you felt sad. I validated you and you started saying “my whole day is ruined, I’m having a very bad day!” I said “yes, you’re having a bad morning and it feels right now like it’s going to last forever, doesn’t it?” You nodded yes. I said “sometimes when we have big feelings like this it feels so strong like it’s never going to end, but it does and it passes through us.” You said “I’m gonna have a bad day all day on my birthday!” I said “I know, it definitely feels that way right now. And it’s ok to feel sad and to cry, it’s healthy. I’m here and I’ll help you through this, I promise it will pass and then you’ll Start to feel better”.
It continued like that a few more times. You kept recalling that you were sad cuz you were rude and I said, “I was rude and not very kind either and I’m not proud or happy about it but I apologized and I’m not beating myself up over it because the moments passed and we can only move forward now. Let all your emotions out and you will feel better”.
Then you said “I won’t feel better, my day is ruined!”
Then I said “do you think this has something to do with mommy being in the hospital a few days ago and you were worried about me and your sister?” (I had preterm labor at 30 weeks a few days ago so your dad picked you up from school unexpectedly and you stayed at his house for the night). You said you didn’t know. I said “I feel like you might have been very worried about us and I want you to know that I’m right here and we’re both safe. You said nothing happened at daddy’s right?” You said no, nothing did. I said “when you got home, you were already having a hard time and you’ve been ever since, maybe a lot of this is also your worry for mommy and your sister, do you think it could be?” You shrugged and cried more.
I said “it’s ok, were here, and I know you are having a bad morning but a bad morning is just a bad morning, it doesn’t mean your whole day will be bad, you can have a good afternoon and a good night and then you can turn your bad morning into a good day.”
You nodded yes.
I said “Whenever you’re ready we’re gonna go meet mammy for breakfast ok, but you can take as long as you need, I’ll be here to help you through it”. You then said you were starting to feel better. I said “do you want to get ready to go?” You nodded yes. Then we got up and left.
You started feeling a lot better than the past 4 days since I got home from the hospital. You became more patient, thoughtful, caring, and in better control of yourself.

Many hours later, after a trip to the mall with Mammy and auntie Moe - to go to build a bear, you beamed at me and said “I did have a bad morning but now I’m having a really good afternoon and I’m sure I’ll also have a good night!” I said “see, days can turn themselves around, one moment or situation doesn’t determine the whole day” she smiled at me happily. 

Then when we got home you came and sat in my lap again. I asked how you were feeling and you said “I really was worried about you and the baby when you were in the hospital” I said “I know, you’ve been holding onto that for a while huh?” You said “yeah, I just want you both to be ok and it worried me. I was scared”. I said “I know, it was really scary. I promise we’re okay and safe right now, ok?” You said yes and then sat with me a bit longer.

I obviously made mistakes. But I’m proud of what I feel I did “right”. And it seems I did decently enough because you felt a lot better and also verified that you were indeed worried. And you spent a good amount of time feeling safe enough to let emotions pass through you and to let yourself feel them.

I can only hope I continue growing on this journey with you and your siblings.

Your dad came and picked you up shortly after all that and then you and he met your brother, Justin, and I at Friendly's for dinner. You had chicken tenders with fries and then vanilla ice cream with sprinkles and tons of gummy bears lol.  

When we got home before bed you got really upset at your brother for him accidentally painting on your picture in the book you both were painting in that Justin had bought you for your birthday. He ended up falling apart in tears because it was an accident and you were so mad at him, he felt very sad and apologetic for his mistake but you could only feel the anger you felt at the fact that your picture was ruined. You tore up the picture and threw it away. You were telling him you were sorry for snapping at him, but in a very angry tone, very defensive. I tried to help you through it but you would just snap at me, so I comforted your brother until you were ready to calm down. Then when it passed only a few mins later you sincerely apologized to Noel and then you both started playing kindly together again.

Now it's bed time, we are all very exhausted. You've just put outfits on your build a bears that you got from Mammy.... now I've got to try to get you both to sleep lol. Life of a mom never ends but I would never ever trade it for anything. 

I love you so much, you're my world. You made me who I am today and I am so grateful and thankful to have you in my life.