You've changed your name to Rosie.

Dear Rosie.... :D
So Lailah - you've decided today to change your name to Rosie. You want a "school name" and a "home name". I've asked you if you dislike your name and that's why you want to change it but you've reassured me that you love your name it's "cute and pretty and everyone likes it" but that you just want a "real name" for at home and your "other name" for school. So today you spent maybe 20 mins looking up names online with me - you couldn't decide between Rosie, Ella, and Daisy. But you eventually decided on Rosie. This could be just a phase you're in but even if it's not I am respecting your decision on this. :) I am encouraging your individuality and creativity. Maybe you'll stay Rosie for a long time - maybe next week you'll want to change it back to Lailah again. Either way is good with me. :) You let me know that you were very serious about this though and really wanted to do this. So here we go. :)
I've also made a difficult decision - after talking to you about it, that you will not be having anymore sleep over visits at your dads/grandparents house anymore. For many reason - which include but are not limited to :
1. I ask your dad to have you home at a certain time. Say - I say 6:30 pm because that is when I will be home from work and I ask that if you need to be home earlier then to please bring you to mamee's house - since I wouldn't be at home before then. Yet they bring you back at 6 and then claim I wasn't home and instead of taking you to mamee's they take you home and I'm not there so instead they keep you and then when I get off work I have to call around hoping that someone answers to find you. Then when I get in contact with someone I am told I must go out of my way to go pick you up from whereever they are because they didn't care to bring you to the home of which I asked you to be dropped off at.
2. Your father and grandparents don't have good communication. It should be your fathers responsibility to respond to my texts and calls and follow through and if he can't he should alert you grandparents and then the responsibility falls on them to follow through. Like for example when I asked them to practice your spelling words with you and they didn't and you came home and didn't know any of them and we only had a day to practice them and then you struggled on your test.
3. You come home telling me about the physical punishments and the emotional/verbal abuse that they place on Ava your little cousin who at the moment is ONLY 3 years old. They have hit her in the mouth, they spank her often, they threaten her with punishments, they tell her to stop crying and don't allow her to feel emotions, they mock her, they compare you against her, they make her stand in the corner often and for lengthly periods, they make her cry, and they are just really mean to her - in your words "for no reason - for just wanting to be a normal kid!". That doesn't sit well with me at all. I do not parent you in those ways and I don't want you to ever feel that that is acceptable ways to treat anybody - nevermind a child.
4. You also tell me about how they abuse their dog Roxy. How she is so afraid of them that she's afraid to leave her cage and that she shakes all the time because she's so afraid of them. I don't feel that that is appropriate for you to be around.
5. Your dad is always working as he said "his ass off" in a text to me today - he's never really home so you're often left with your grandparents. The point of visitation is for him and you to be able to visit - spend time together. Also - he works so damn much yet he hasn't paid child support in 4 months to help care for you at all. He hasn't even bought anything that helps support you either.

I've been thinking about all of this for a long time but I'm finally putting my foot down and I'm going to do what I feel is in your best interest.
Now - just because I am not allowing anymore overnight visits does not mean that you can not visit with your dad. I told him that we can contact one another and set up visits like at the park, zoo, beach, etc. That way you both can continue a healthy relationship. I hope that this has a good influence and not a bad one. Only time will tell and if it doesn't seem to be working out then I'll find something else that will - that will be positive and healthy for you. <3

In other news
The other day you made me so proud of you. You really wanted to play with your brother but he was busy playing with something else and whenever you tried to play with him he would get mad at you and he just wanted to be left alone. You came to me about it and I encouraged you to work it out - figure it out. So after about 10 mins you problem solved. You got a ball and you offered to trade the ball to Noel for the toy he had and then you asked to play with him. Then you both played together happily. <3


I love you my little Rosie. <3

I love you forever.

Lailah: I love you more than all the streets and streets and streets until they end. And I love you even more than all the people who get older and older and older that are still alive, all of them. And even also more than Stop and shop and the stuff inside it. And I love you more than bigger than the sky and also all the planets on Earth. 
Lol! 
Goodness you are the sweetest little human I have ever known. I can't tell you just how happy I am to have you in my life. I tell you I love you all the time but it never feels like enough. I hope that you feel how greatly and deeply that I love you. I hope that we continue having the bond and connection that we do and that it will never fade. I hope to have the sort of mommy daughter relationship where you always turn to me and I always be there for you. I hope to receive calls at all times and be there to answer all your questions or to just listen to you vent and to be there for you to help you through problems. I want to be the best mom I can ever be to you until the day I die. 
I know that I am raising an incredible little human and I can't wait to see and meet the adult that you will end up becoming. But for now - I will treasure your youth, treasure all these kisses, and hugs, and playful times. Treasure these moments like above where your heart overspills with the love you have for your mama - for me <3 
I love you precious girl, forever. <3heart emoticon  rjgek

You've turned 7!

7 years ago today at 12:55 noon I gave birth to my very first tiny baby. Born at 36 weeks, 5lbs, 5oz, and 14 inches long. I was in disbelief that my body actually created another human being. The first thing I said when I seen her was, "omg! I had a baby! This is my baby!" It was the most surreal feeling. 
I can not believe 7 years have passed since that day and I am so proud of the amazing little girl my Lailah has become! 
Huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little girl who is blossoming into a young lady right before my eyes. 
She's literally the most amazing human being I've met so far. She's so intelligent, compassionate, insightful, thoughtful, entertaining, funny, and well you get the picture tongue emoticon. I am so blessed and lucky to be her mommy. I couldn't imagine life without her. 

Dear Lailah, 
You have turned 7. It is insane to me that you are 7 already. I remember carrying you inside of me and feeling those tiny kicks and hiccups of yours. I remember going to my appointment where I found out that I was expecting you and my life being completely changed forever - for the better. I remember going in and my doctor asking, "Do you know what I'm going to say?" And although I had a slight idea I still had no idea at the same time. Finding out I was expecting you was the most exciting and scariest time of my entire life. And now 7 years have gone by and I am so proud to be your mommy. You are the most incredible human being I've ever known yet. You are so insightful and caring and you truly teach me everyday the human I want to be myself, simply by being you. I know that I'm supposed to teach you and guide you - and trust me I am doing the absolute best that I know how. But YOU also teach ME. I guess we are growing and learning together and I love that more than anything. 

I'm going to tell you about your huge and complicated personality lol. You are so many things rolled up into one. You are a little girl with a huge heart - very insightful and inquisitive and you love learning about new things, concepts, and ideas. You are also sort of shy around new people or people that you aren't around too often. You like to stand back and watch new (or not often around) people and new (or not often at) places. You like to get a larger picture of everything before jumping in and joining any fun. You are also so silly and entertaining. You love to make silly jokes or do funny things - like put things on your head or make silly faces with your mouth. You love to make the people you love laugh. You also have the kindest heart and you aim to please everyone you love so you can make them happy. You're sensitive and you aim for fairness and justness and you don't like seeing things that are unfair or unjust because it makes you feel sad and it hurts you. But you also encourage love and empathy as you step in to defend classmates or you bring situations to my attention so they could be worked through emotionally with you or dealt with. You are an amazing human being.

You are currently in the 1st grade. Your teacher is Miss Jaspers. You are good friends with a little girl in school named Isabella. You are catching onto reading really well and I am so incredibly proud of you and your will to learn even though it's difficult for you. You exceed in math and you love it. You definitely have your own preferences in things - you hate wearing jeans, you like to choose your own clothing style, and you like to mix strange foods together lol. Like syrup on your homefries and eggs and peanut butter on your corned beef. :P You've already found out shortly before turning 7 that Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Toothfairy - etc; are all made up stories - you accepted that rather well and now you just help pick things out that you would like for your basket or under the tree lol. You have also completed 3 crochet projects nearly all on your own! You've completed a hat for your friend Reagan, a scarf for your teacher, and a pair of gloves for yourself! I posted pictures of your gloves on a few crochet groups and you have received over 7 THOUSAND likes !!!! And thousands of comments as well telling you how amazing and dedicated you are. 

You have your bouts of big difficult emotions as all children do, but you handle them extraordinarily well for your age. Oh and you are a FANTASTIC big sister and I just love how open you have been to not only accepting your brother into our family and your life but how amazingly well you interact with him and teach him new things. You are such a beautiful human inside and out. 

At this point in time I'm learning that it is perfectly acceptable and healthy for children to have emotions - growing up, I wasn't allowed to have emotions. I was often harmed - spanked or verbally/emotionally assaulted if I even attempted to show emotions. And it wasn't a pleasant experience. So now I am doing my very very very best to change the way I was brought up, change my old belief system, and work on my own triggers from my past so that I can be the very best mom I could ever be for you (and now your brother as well). I want to teach you that emotions are acceptable, healthy, and okay as long as you can display them in appropriate non threatening manners. So, I've been doing the best I ever could to sit with you and give you a safe environment with me to release those emotions so that you can clear them up and move forward with your days healthier. I am so proud to say that I have been doing my best and that I can see the benefits paying off in you. I am so proud of who you are as a person and I'm more than happy and proud that you're my daughter. I know that I will always love and accept you as a person and an individual and I just hope that you always allow me in and never push me out. I'm here for you, I will always be here for you. You're stuck with me little one. <3 
I love you baby. I love you SO incredibly much. <3