Dear Lailah,
Last night I transferred you and your brother back to your own room. You absolutely did not want to. You cried, a lot... and I got very overwhelmed and frustrated. I tried to help you work on slow deep breathing, I tried to help you focus on a mantra "I am safe, I am brave, I can do this". I sat with you and read you a couple books. I tried to help you adjust best I could but you wouldn't.
Your sister started crying and I told you that when you were ready to please let me go tend to your sister.. but you refused. An hour went by and your baby sister (6weeks) was still in the other room screaming her head off, crying, obviously needing me. She was with Justin but she wanted me and she wanted to nurse. You refused to let me go tend to her. I sat with you a while longer, increasingly feeling overwhelmed as every fiber of my being continued shouting at me to tend to my newborn.
I ended up getting up and going to sit on the couch in the living room in an attempt to calm myself down. I was feeling anxious myself - overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry that it was so late and I was exhausted. I contemplated calling the crisis hospital hotline because I was just not in a good healthy or safe place in my mind at all. I went in the room to go out to the car to get the number from my hospital folder (I've been in a partial program the past 2 weeks for postpartum depression and anxiety) but then your sister woke back up again - screaming for me. So I took her from Justin to nurse her but then I snapped. I started throwing stuff off the bed at the walls. You then came in again - apologizing - but that just added fuel to my fire, I was already feeling like a failure, I knew that I was spiraling out of control and you feeling at fault had me feeling worse, because I knew it had nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with myself.
I then went in your room and I lost control of myself. I started yelling at you that I couldn't do it anymore, that I can't and shouldn't be a mom, that I can't be what you need me to be or want me to be, that I was failing. I yelled saying that it had nothing to do with you because I knew you can't control your anxiety (just like I was having a hard time controlling my own emotions and behavior) but that I still felt how I did and how guilty I felt about that. I said I believed that you were better off living with your dad, Justin and I getting divorced, the baby being adopted, and me disappearing (which obviously wouldn't and won't help your anxiety at all - if anything it would just cause more fear for you).. but I was so lost mentally and emotionally. I sat on the bed and I cried my eyes out. You came over to comfort me.. you told me I am a good mom and that I'm doing the best I can, that you didn't want me to do any of those things and that you were sorry. I kept telling you that it's not your fault that I'm broken, that I am damaged and I shouldn't have had kids, and that's something wrong with me - not you at all. I can't handle life. A few more hours went by until you finally fell asleep and I was able to go lay down and sleep - it was nearly midnight. I continued crying most of the night.
In all the parenting books I read, it advises against award systems, sticker charts, earning money, etc... but in the past it's worked well for you. I asked you today if you think a sticker chart would help you overcome your anxiety at night, that we could make and decorate a chart together and then if you can sleep in your own room without huge anxiety outbursts and using your coping skills instead that we would go out and celebrate at the end of the week or month or something to further be discussed. I hope that it helps you without harming you further in any way. I don't know what else to do to help the both of us.
This whole parenting thing is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be - every age has a new set of challenges and each child has their own personality - what worked before may not work with the next child. Not only that, but I'm forced to face a lot of my own past, my own trauma, my own childhood. I get flashbacks and last night I kept being brought back to when I was around your age... how my dad would just come in and hit me over and over before demanding that I go to sleep immediately. I would cry and cry until I fell asleep. That's all I knew. I don't know how to do better but I am TRYING. I fell apart.. I'm human and I am full of errors, mistakes, and damage. I feel like I've already damaged you since your anxiety is so bad... and I hate myself for it. I wish I could be better for you and your siblings and all I know is that I will keep trying the best I can for all of you each day, every day, because it's all I can do.
I love you, and I am tremendously sorry for yelling at you and I hope that now, as you're reading this as an adult that you can understand how difficult this night was for us both. I am sorry that I wasn't stronger and that I couldn't work through my shit better to be there for you, I crumbled, and I know that you deserved better. I'm sorry.. and I love you so so much.
You mean the world to me,
Love mommy. <3