Today this happened, and I made mistakes, obviously, but then I did my best to fix it and repair my relationship with you as well as help you with your emotions.
I asked you to unplug the things plugged into the wall today. You was making excuses saying you can’t and that you didn’t know what I was talking about blah blah. So I was like “never mind” then you snapped “don’t even start with me!” Which triggered me, that’s your father, my exes, mother coming out of you (she often talks like that). So I said “I just said never mind! It’s not a big deal!”
I wanted to blow dry my hair but the fuse got blown just by plugging it in because you wouldn’t unplug the things in the room (which you've done many times and I know you could). But it really wasn’t a big deal. So then you kept yelling at me and said “you’re making me frustrated and angry!” I said “I’m not in control of your emotions, the only person in control of your emotions is you! I can’t make you feel any sort of way.” So then Noel, who is 4atm, went to put this paper elf you guys made together and cut out back on the door handle of our little blue cabinet and you screamed at him about it. You were already heated and yelled “what do you think you’re doing?!” And I said “Lailah, it fell when you opened the cabinet earlier, he was just trying to help” you then yelled “well he’s going to ruin it!” I said rashly and upset “no he won’t! Don’t open your mouth anymore while you’re in this mood because nothing you say is nice” which I feel guilty for. I know it was wrong of me, and instantly regretted it.
Then you started screaming and crying and saying your day is ruined. We were getting ready to meet my mom, your Mammy, for breakfast and at this point I was spent, which is no excuse, I have to work better on my own impulse control - and I am doing my best. Then I said “really? You’re really going to start this now? Is it really a big deal? Is all of this worth it?!”
Then I went knew I had to calm myself and regain control, so I went into the bathroom and started doing my makeup in attempt to take myself out of the situation for a couple mins to calm down best I could. As I was you stormed by to go into your room and as you were passing I said “Lailah, come here please” so you pivoted and yelled “What?!” I said “I want to apologize.” You asked, why?! I said “I’m trying to apologize because I shouldn’t have snapped at you and I’m sorry.” Then you cried “I’m having a bad day and it’s my birthday and I’m already having a bad day because I was rude and you told me to keep my mouth shut!”
So then I went and sat on my bed and asked you to come sit in my lap. You came and sunk into my lap laying into me. I apologized again for what I said and told you I shouldn’t say that, that I was upset and I say things I shouldn’t sometimes but that it’s not ok and I’ll work better at it in the future. I asked you how you felt, you told me that you felt sad. I validated you and you started saying “my whole day is ruined, I’m having a very bad day!” I said “yes, you’re having a bad morning and it feels right now like it’s going to last forever, doesn’t it?” You nodded yes. I said “sometimes when we have big feelings like this it feels so strong like it’s never going to end, but it does and it passes through us.” You said “I’m gonna have a bad day all day on my birthday!” I said “I know, it definitely feels that way right now. And it’s ok to feel sad and to cry, it’s healthy. I’m here and I’ll help you through this, I promise it will pass and then you’ll Start to feel better”.
It continued like that a few more times. You kept recalling that you were sad cuz you were rude and I said, “I was rude and not very kind either and I’m not proud or happy about it but I apologized and I’m not beating myself up over it because the moments passed and we can only move forward now. Let all your emotions out and you will feel better”.
Then you said “I won’t feel better, my day is ruined!”
Then I said “do you think this has something to do with mommy being in the hospital a few days ago and you were worried about me and your sister?” (I had preterm labor at 30 weeks a few days ago so your dad picked you up from school unexpectedly and you stayed at his house for the night). You said you didn’t know. I said “I feel like you might have been very worried about us and I want you to know that I’m right here and we’re both safe. You said nothing happened at daddy’s right?” You said no, nothing did. I said “when you got home, you were already having a hard time and you’ve been ever since, maybe a lot of this is also your worry for mommy and your sister, do you think it could be?” You shrugged and cried more.
I said “it’s ok, were here, and I know you are having a bad morning but a bad morning is just a bad morning, it doesn’t mean your whole day will be bad, you can have a good afternoon and a good night and then you can turn your bad morning into a good day.”
You nodded yes.
I said “Whenever you’re ready we’re gonna go meet mammy for breakfast ok, but you can take as long as you need, I’ll be here to help you through it”. You then said you were starting to feel better. I said “do you want to get ready to go?” You nodded yes. Then we got up and left.
You started feeling a lot better than the past 4 days since I got home from the hospital. You became more patient, thoughtful, caring, and in better control of yourself.
It continued like that a few more times. You kept recalling that you were sad cuz you were rude and I said, “I was rude and not very kind either and I’m not proud or happy about it but I apologized and I’m not beating myself up over it because the moments passed and we can only move forward now. Let all your emotions out and you will feel better”.
Then you said “I won’t feel better, my day is ruined!”
Then I said “do you think this has something to do with mommy being in the hospital a few days ago and you were worried about me and your sister?” (I had preterm labor at 30 weeks a few days ago so your dad picked you up from school unexpectedly and you stayed at his house for the night). You said you didn’t know. I said “I feel like you might have been very worried about us and I want you to know that I’m right here and we’re both safe. You said nothing happened at daddy’s right?” You said no, nothing did. I said “when you got home, you were already having a hard time and you’ve been ever since, maybe a lot of this is also your worry for mommy and your sister, do you think it could be?” You shrugged and cried more.
I said “it’s ok, were here, and I know you are having a bad morning but a bad morning is just a bad morning, it doesn’t mean your whole day will be bad, you can have a good afternoon and a good night and then you can turn your bad morning into a good day.”
You nodded yes.
I said “Whenever you’re ready we’re gonna go meet mammy for breakfast ok, but you can take as long as you need, I’ll be here to help you through it”. You then said you were starting to feel better. I said “do you want to get ready to go?” You nodded yes. Then we got up and left.
You started feeling a lot better than the past 4 days since I got home from the hospital. You became more patient, thoughtful, caring, and in better control of yourself.
Many hours later, after a trip to the mall with Mammy and auntie Moe - to go to build a bear, you beamed at me and said “I did have a bad morning but now I’m having a really good afternoon and I’m sure I’ll also have a good night!” I said “see, days can turn themselves around, one moment or situation doesn’t determine the whole day” she smiled at me happily.
Then when we got home you came and sat in my lap again. I asked how you were feeling and you said “I really was worried about you and the baby when you were in the hospital” I said “I know, you’ve been holding onto that for a while huh?” You said “yeah, I just want you both to be ok and it worried me. I was scared”. I said “I know, it was really scary. I promise we’re okay and safe right now, ok?” You said yes and then sat with me a bit longer.
I obviously made mistakes. But I’m proud of what I feel I did “right”. And it seems I did decently enough because you felt a lot better and also verified that you were indeed worried. And you spent a good amount of time feeling safe enough to let emotions pass through you and to let yourself feel them.
I can only hope I continue growing on this journey with you and your siblings.
Your dad came and picked you up shortly after all that and then you and he met your brother, Justin, and I at Friendly's for dinner. You had chicken tenders with fries and then vanilla ice cream with sprinkles and tons of gummy bears lol.
When we got home before bed you got really upset at your brother for him accidentally painting on your picture in the book you both were painting in that Justin had bought you for your birthday. He ended up falling apart in tears because it was an accident and you were so mad at him, he felt very sad and apologetic for his mistake but you could only feel the anger you felt at the fact that your picture was ruined. You tore up the picture and threw it away. You were telling him you were sorry for snapping at him, but in a very angry tone, very defensive. I tried to help you through it but you would just snap at me, so I comforted your brother until you were ready to calm down. Then when it passed only a few mins later you sincerely apologized to Noel and then you both started playing kindly together again.
Now it's bed time, we are all very exhausted. You've just put outfits on your build a bears that you got from Mammy.... now I've got to try to get you both to sleep lol. Life of a mom never ends but I would never ever trade it for anything.
I love you so much, you're my world. You made me who I am today and I am so grateful and thankful to have you in my life.
