Scared me out of my mind.

Dear Lailah,
Today after I picked you up from school we walked over to the car - which was parked on the right side of a two way street. There was about a foot of space between our car and the car behind ours. I let go of your hand and asked you to get into the other side of the car. I thought you would, since you always have and I felt I could trust you to. I got into the drivers side and looked back, only to find that you did not do as I asked. I then shouted your name because I couldn't see you. You then started backing up into the road, of which had cars coming towards the direction you were backing up into. I lost it. I completely lost it. And in .5 seconds I was forced to imagine/mentally view losing you. It was one of the worst experiences in my entire life. I can not imagine not imagine not having you without feeling as if my entire life has slipped away. I love you more than anything in this world and losing you would be like losing myself. In those .5 seconds I felt empty.
Luckily you caught the panic in my voice and got closer to the car and then got in. In the opposite side of the car that I asked of you, mind you. I yelled at you - because I was scared. I was so extremely scared. I shouted at you that you could have been killed and that meant that you would have died and that you don't come back from that. And you cried. You cried hard and I yelled at you again. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I yelled. But I was so scared and you can never imagine the fear that soared through me until one day when you possibly have a child of your own.
<3 I wish you knew how deeply I love you.
Love, Mommy.

I secretly love:

Dear Lailah,
Tonight you were learning how to read! I am so extremely proud of you. You have just started Kindergarten and yet you have come so far with your learning! I love you so entirely much, so much I don't think you'll ever know how much. Sometimes you drive me nuts! LOL. But you're absolutely perfect. You have your sass and your attitude and you love to be independent but you are an amazing little girl and I couldn't be more happy to be your mom.
I secretly love when you act like me - even if I don't really like it, because you show me what I'd like to change in myself. I secretly love when you crawl into my bed at 4am to cuddle and hold my hand - even when we're all squished, because you won't be a little girl forever. I secretly love when you give me a sensible argument - even when it causes me to stop in my tracks and not know how to respond, because I know that you're listening to me, growing, and maturing. I secretly love all these little things about you that make you such a bright and unique growing child. I love you Lailah and I love every moment I get to have with you.
Love, mommy <3