Forgive me and accept me.

Dear Lailah,
I love you more than words can ever describe. I believe you'll never truly know or understand the love I have for you until you one day have a little one of your own. You mean everything to me. When you are happy, I am happy. When you hurt, I hurt too. I can't imagine my life without you in it.
Recently you've been missing your brother Bennett and I'm sorry. I am sorry for the pain and the grief that you have to also go through with me. At the time you were only 3, you never even met Bennett face to face. Yet, you somehow know that he belongs with us and you miss him. You bring him up often and ask about how he's doing. It hurts me inside to know that I played the ultimate role in doing this to all of us - placing him.
I hope you understand that I was told that I was doing the best for Bennett and for you over myself by everybody. I had no support and I was alone and afraid. I wanted nothing more than to bring Bennett home and have you both. But that wasn't an option for me. And even if it were I feared he wouldn't be safe with us. I hope everyday that one day you'll try to see the position I was in and you'll forgive me. <3
You've also been asking about your dad. It breaks my heart. I am SO sorry that he doesn't come home often and see you. I'm so sorry that he only comes home once a year and barely spends time with you. I know that you're a very intelligent little girl - you see and know this, nobody has to tell you. A month or so ago we went to a wishing well and you threw some coins in and made wishes. You told me that you couldn't tell me because that would mean that the wishes wouldn't come true. Well yesterday, I guess you got sick of hoping - you told me you wished your daddy would come home and see you because you really miss him. Then you said, "I guess he just doesn't care enough about me to come home to me." It broke my heart into pieces. I wish for you that your daddy would come home and see the amazing, bright, beautiful little girl that we have. I wish he could get to know you and see that blossoming, upbeat, spunky personality. I wish he would be everything you deserve from him. And I'm sorry that I can't make that happen for you.
All I can do is be here for you. Day by day, week by week, year by year. I will be here for you. When you need me I will always be here. I will never leave your side. I will be the ear you need to listen and the comfort you need to hold you. Growing up I felt so alone and I have zero intentions of doing that to you. So please, just accept me. <3
My love for you is the deepest love a human can hold inside of them - it's the love of a mommy. <3
Love,
Mommy <3

1 month school update and little letter.

Dear Lailah,
Hi my dear. :) You started school last month so I figured I would give an update. You are doing really well in class with being obedient, paying attention, and working to the best of your ability and I am so proud of you! You struggle with your letters so we are going to start doing flashcards everyday - you're not too happy about that, but I'm only doing it because I love you and I want to help you succeed ! <3
On another note, let me tell you how much Drama Kindergarten is ! LOL. One little girl - Emily, doesn't really get along with you too well and vise versa. From what you tell me, she struggles with sharing friends and tells you that you can't be friends with her or her friends. I've tried offering different suggestions to help you but you shoot down everything I suggest lol. I'm just going to hold faith in you that you'll figure it all out and find your place with others at school.
We've created a sticker chart today that you will be able to stick your earned stickers on ! You LOVE stickers haha. It's cute. :)
I've been asking you how you feel about the baby coming, you keep telling me "Good! I don't know, I don't really care! Stop asking me!" LOL - I think you just don't know what to expect. You are happy about your new baby brother or sister but you don't know how to respond to it just yet.
I've also asked about Bennett and you tell me you feel bad and sad that he lives so far away and that you can't really see him. I'm sorry that things are the way they are. I'm sorry about all of this regarding him and you. I wish I had another way at that time, I wish I could have kept us all together - and I'm sorry. </3
I want you to know how much I love you and how everyday of your life I will be rooting for you, in everything you do. I want to see you grow up and succeed one day - in your own personal way.  I will always love you. Just keep being the kindhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving little girl that I have right now - nothing can go wrong for you like that. <3
<3 love always,
Mommy.