Scared me out of my mind.

Dear Lailah,
Today after I picked you up from school we walked over to the car - which was parked on the right side of a two way street. There was about a foot of space between our car and the car behind ours. I let go of your hand and asked you to get into the other side of the car. I thought you would, since you always have and I felt I could trust you to. I got into the drivers side and looked back, only to find that you did not do as I asked. I then shouted your name because I couldn't see you. You then started backing up into the road, of which had cars coming towards the direction you were backing up into. I lost it. I completely lost it. And in .5 seconds I was forced to imagine/mentally view losing you. It was one of the worst experiences in my entire life. I can not imagine not imagine not having you without feeling as if my entire life has slipped away. I love you more than anything in this world and losing you would be like losing myself. In those .5 seconds I felt empty.
Luckily you caught the panic in my voice and got closer to the car and then got in. In the opposite side of the car that I asked of you, mind you. I yelled at you - because I was scared. I was so extremely scared. I shouted at you that you could have been killed and that meant that you would have died and that you don't come back from that. And you cried. You cried hard and I yelled at you again. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I yelled. But I was so scared and you can never imagine the fear that soared through me until one day when you possibly have a child of your own.
<3 I wish you knew how deeply I love you.
Love, Mommy.

I secretly love:

Dear Lailah,
Tonight you were learning how to read! I am so extremely proud of you. You have just started Kindergarten and yet you have come so far with your learning! I love you so entirely much, so much I don't think you'll ever know how much. Sometimes you drive me nuts! LOL. But you're absolutely perfect. You have your sass and your attitude and you love to be independent but you are an amazing little girl and I couldn't be more happy to be your mom.
I secretly love when you act like me - even if I don't really like it, because you show me what I'd like to change in myself. I secretly love when you crawl into my bed at 4am to cuddle and hold my hand - even when we're all squished, because you won't be a little girl forever. I secretly love when you give me a sensible argument - even when it causes me to stop in my tracks and not know how to respond, because I know that you're listening to me, growing, and maturing. I secretly love all these little things about you that make you such a bright and unique growing child. I love you Lailah and I love every moment I get to have with you.
Love, mommy <3

Forgive me and accept me.

Dear Lailah,
I love you more than words can ever describe. I believe you'll never truly know or understand the love I have for you until you one day have a little one of your own. You mean everything to me. When you are happy, I am happy. When you hurt, I hurt too. I can't imagine my life without you in it.
Recently you've been missing your brother Bennett and I'm sorry. I am sorry for the pain and the grief that you have to also go through with me. At the time you were only 3, you never even met Bennett face to face. Yet, you somehow know that he belongs with us and you miss him. You bring him up often and ask about how he's doing. It hurts me inside to know that I played the ultimate role in doing this to all of us - placing him.
I hope you understand that I was told that I was doing the best for Bennett and for you over myself by everybody. I had no support and I was alone and afraid. I wanted nothing more than to bring Bennett home and have you both. But that wasn't an option for me. And even if it were I feared he wouldn't be safe with us. I hope everyday that one day you'll try to see the position I was in and you'll forgive me. <3
You've also been asking about your dad. It breaks my heart. I am SO sorry that he doesn't come home often and see you. I'm so sorry that he only comes home once a year and barely spends time with you. I know that you're a very intelligent little girl - you see and know this, nobody has to tell you. A month or so ago we went to a wishing well and you threw some coins in and made wishes. You told me that you couldn't tell me because that would mean that the wishes wouldn't come true. Well yesterday, I guess you got sick of hoping - you told me you wished your daddy would come home and see you because you really miss him. Then you said, "I guess he just doesn't care enough about me to come home to me." It broke my heart into pieces. I wish for you that your daddy would come home and see the amazing, bright, beautiful little girl that we have. I wish he could get to know you and see that blossoming, upbeat, spunky personality. I wish he would be everything you deserve from him. And I'm sorry that I can't make that happen for you.
All I can do is be here for you. Day by day, week by week, year by year. I will be here for you. When you need me I will always be here. I will never leave your side. I will be the ear you need to listen and the comfort you need to hold you. Growing up I felt so alone and I have zero intentions of doing that to you. So please, just accept me. <3
My love for you is the deepest love a human can hold inside of them - it's the love of a mommy. <3
Love,
Mommy <3

1 month school update and little letter.

Dear Lailah,
Hi my dear. :) You started school last month so I figured I would give an update. You are doing really well in class with being obedient, paying attention, and working to the best of your ability and I am so proud of you! You struggle with your letters so we are going to start doing flashcards everyday - you're not too happy about that, but I'm only doing it because I love you and I want to help you succeed ! <3
On another note, let me tell you how much Drama Kindergarten is ! LOL. One little girl - Emily, doesn't really get along with you too well and vise versa. From what you tell me, she struggles with sharing friends and tells you that you can't be friends with her or her friends. I've tried offering different suggestions to help you but you shoot down everything I suggest lol. I'm just going to hold faith in you that you'll figure it all out and find your place with others at school.
We've created a sticker chart today that you will be able to stick your earned stickers on ! You LOVE stickers haha. It's cute. :)
I've been asking you how you feel about the baby coming, you keep telling me "Good! I don't know, I don't really care! Stop asking me!" LOL - I think you just don't know what to expect. You are happy about your new baby brother or sister but you don't know how to respond to it just yet.
I've also asked about Bennett and you tell me you feel bad and sad that he lives so far away and that you can't really see him. I'm sorry that things are the way they are. I'm sorry about all of this regarding him and you. I wish I had another way at that time, I wish I could have kept us all together - and I'm sorry. </3
I want you to know how much I love you and how everyday of your life I will be rooting for you, in everything you do. I want to see you grow up and succeed one day - in your own personal way.  I will always love you. Just keep being the kindhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving little girl that I have right now - nothing can go wrong for you like that. <3
<3 love always,
Mommy.

1st day of Kindergarten letter to you from me. :)

Dear Lailah,

I am so proud of you! You have grown up to be such an amazing little girl and I feel so blessed to call you my own. I have no idea how I got so lucky for your little soul to find me in this great big universe. Raising you for the past 5 years and growing you within my tummy has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Becoming your mother has changed me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. You created a better, stronger, more understanding, compassionate, and loving person out of me! All of that - just by being you. Everyday I talk with you, hang out with you, and laugh with you - I also learn from you. I know, I know ! I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to teach you! And I do. :) To the very best of my ability! But you also teach me and I love learning from you. You are the most loving and compassionate soul I have ever met. Within only 5 short years you have grown into such a grown up little human that displays great understanding of others and kindness to all. You are the love of my life. Watching you grow up makes me extremely proud and happy inside but it also makes me a little sad, don't worry! Not a bad sad. A mommy type good sad. :) My baby girl isn't a baby anymore and that is no small feat! She has grown up and she will continue growing up. And I am secretly dreading the day you gain your wings and you take flight from home on me! <3 I love you Lailah and I will be here every day that I possibly can be for you. Keep learning and growing, keep being the kindest soul I know, keep being exactly who you are and who you want to be. I have faith in you, always.

 Love, Mommy.

On the day you started Kindergarten!

You're the sweetest.

The other day she said something that really hurt my feelings. She knew it hurt my feelings too and when she realized it - she just walked out and went into the other room.So later on... about 15 mins later she came back in and laid on me, hugging me. I told her my feelings were hurt from the things she said to me. She apologized saying, "I'm sorry" - in a very concerned voice. I told her how her words made me feel and how words can hurt people.She told me that she didn't mean it and I told her that I know that but that the words still hurt. We had a personal conversation about the situation (Which I won't get into). I explained to her my feelings and I asked her about her own feelings so that we could clear it all up and come to a mutual understanding.When we finished, she apologized again in a very sincere manner.I then told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her in it. That even when she's at her Memere and Papas on weekends I miss her and I feel lost without her because I love her SO much.

She finished it off by hugging me hard and said, "Mommy I love you SOOO much, I love you wholeeee bunches !" And my heart melted. I said, "I love you MORE !" and she said, "Well, I love you the MOST !" And we hugged it out.

How on Earth did I get blessed with this amazing, understanding, empathetic, bright, beautiful little girl?!

Happy 5th bday. :)

Five years ago exactly at 12:55pm I gave birth to a beautiful little girl after 18 hrs of labor and 36 weeks of pregnancy. She was 5 lbs 5 oz and the most perfect little angel I've ever laid eyes on. She has grown up to be the most amazing little girl, she's funny, intelligent, clever, courageous, loving, caring, understanding and overall she's my little girl. I am so proud to be her mom and to watch her grow into this beautiful little girl.  I love you Lailah, more than anything. You're the best thing to ever have happened to me.


*added on later date of 9/4/13
On this day I put balloons above your bed for you to wake up to. :)