You are SIX!! Happy birthday baby girl!

Dear Lailah, you turned SIX yesterday !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I can not believe that I've had you in my life for 6 years now. You're my little angel. You've come to this Earth through me. My body created you and by you entering my life - you saved me. You have made me not only a (hopefully) good mother - but a better person. Everyday I strive to be the best person and mother I can be for you. I strive to make you a better person than me one day and to help you succeed beyond what I have. I aim to be here for you at all times and be your support when you feel you have none. I want to be to you everything I didn't have in my life. I want you to know and understand that I love you with absolutely everything I am. You are an incredible little girl. Your smile can brighten anyones day. Your personality can create fun for anyone around - you are so spunky, creative, and active. You are such a little leader - although sometimes you can be a bit bossy. :p You are funny and silly - you can always bring a smile to my face and make me laugh. You are so smart and bright! I am impressed with you everyday how well you do in not only school but in dealing with and observing life around you. How well you cope with others and situations in life - inspires me. You are compassionate and caring and you teach me who I want to be just by being your loving little self. You care so much about others. You are so kind. You often will just randomly think about me and bring me a water or a snack - simply because you believe I'll enjoy it. And I always do! You're so thoughtful and helpful and just - perfect. I love you to pieces and I hope we can always be as close as we are now. <3 You mean the world to me. Having you was the biggest decision of my life and I would never change it for anything.  I've struggled - we've struggled and I'm sorry. But one day I will prove to you that I can give us a happy life - I hope. <3 Thank you, for choosing me as your mommy and thank you for being you.

For your birthday I got you the outfit above and those shoes. :) You really seemed to love them! Your birthday party is this weekend. I'll write back and tell how it goes so that one day you can look back and see your life from my perspective.
Love, Mommy.

Just about your reading progress.

I ask Lailah to please hurry up with something.
Lailah: okay, can you wait a minute? Be patient?! I'm sorry but I don't have thirteen hands!!

Jan 9th: Just spent an hour doing Lailah's reading words with her. At the end of the hour she had read every word on the paper by herself. We worked on her sounding out each letter then putting them together quicker and quicker until she figured out the word.Proud of her!

Jan 14th:I'm so proud of my little Lailah who has learned to read small words all on her own!! She's getting really good at it too!

It is now February and you can read many small words all on your own. You can also almost right your last name. :) Although you leave out a letter or two sometimes. You are doing so well. <3

Keep shining for me.

Dear Lailah,
Yesterday I went to your very first parent teacher conference. I am so extremely proud of you.Your teacher just adores you. She said you are doing so well! She said you are motivated and persistent. She said you just have the cutest little voice and you love to sing all the songs in the class very well! She thinks you're adorable. :) She also said that you're doing very good with all of the other children in the classroom and that you are now getting along with everybody! You're doing excellent in everything. On your report card you got all 3's except for only ONE 2. Which is awesome! You are so bright! I love watching you learn and grow. You're such an amazing little girl. You have persevered and you are succeeding. This past year has been difficult for you, I know. You started Kindergarten, your first teacher got arrested, your second teacher was only temporary, you got a new baby brother, and we moved from Papa Doug's house to Mammee's. It's been a lot of change for you - but through it all you keep moving forward and you continue learning and growing. I love you more than you can know right now. <3 Keep shining for me.
Love, Mommy.

Reading!

Dear Lailah,
Hi Princess :) It has only been a couple days since the last time I wrote you a letter but I just had to write again! You have officially learned how to read small words!! I am so extremely proud of you!! You do have some trouble concentrating but you work through it and you get your work done! You try hard and you focus while you're learning and that's the best I can ask for!!
And as for my last post - We played some Uno and hugged and kissed recently. :) The look of love on your face was priceless. We played and joked and you kicked my butt lol! I love you. <3 Now, forever, and always.
<3 love Mommy

I miss you

Dear Lailah,
I miss you. You are right here, around me everyday but you're often off in your own world. You rarely come to me for cuddles, for hugs, for kisses, or comfort anymore. I miss you. I miss picking you up as you wrap your legs around my waist and lay your head on my shoulder, arms around my neck. I know that things have been different since getting pregnant and having your baby brother. Justin's filled some roles that I had previously. He helps with cooking and getting food for us. I help you with your homework - although, you hate it.
I don't know what I can do to keep our bond and for you to feel safe and comforted by me. I often want to do things with you so that maybe you'll love me more or something - like take you to the park or the zoo.. but even then you're in our own world and it doesn't help bring us any closer. Unfortunately when I try to do these nice things for you you just expect me to give you more. If I take you to the zoo you get upset if I don't get you lemonade or ice cream. If I take you to the arcade you get upset that I don't buy you something from the mall while we're there.
Maybe I should crawl into bed with you at night and snuggle until you fall asleep but idk.
Growing up - your Mamee was never too close to me and I hated it. I missed her even though she was right there and now I feel like I'm turning into her and you into me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it. I want to be more than just money or the person who takes you places. I want to be your mom, your comfort, your love, and I want to be more involved.
I have a lot of searching to do to figure this out - but I will do it, I will search inside of myself and all over if I need to so that I can be the best mom I can be for you.
I love you my little Lailah - you're growing up too fast, and I miss you.<3
Love, Mommy.

So proud of you

Dear Lailah,
Hi baby girl. :) You've been a big sister for 2 weeks now. You seem to love your little brother so much. You're definitely a little mother hen.You'll make an absolutely amazing mommy one day if that's what you choose to do. You love to help with Noel. During my pregnancy you swore that if he were a boy that you wouldn't help change him lol. Now, you like to help change him and clothe him. :p You ask to hold him often, even though your little arms seem to get tired quick. You also don't like when he fusses at all, not even a tiny grunt lol. But you're amazing with him.

I am so extremely proud of you for handling everything that you've been going through lately. You've been able to handle so much in such a short frame of time. Starting school, going on that long road trip to visit your dad, me being away for the birth of your little brother and being ill, the arrival of your little brother, and even making the hugeeee big girl transition of sleeping 100% in your own bed! I could not be more happy with you. You are so perfect in so many ways.
I am so happy that I now have this amazing bond with you. This bond that connects me to you in a way it has never connected me to anyone else besides your now new brother. But you helped me learn this bond. Because of you - I love in a whole new way. You taught me how to become this new, stronger, and better person. I thank you for that. I thank you for entering my life and choosing me to be your mommy back almost 6 years ago. You've helped me grow and become to adult I am today and I am so extremely thankful that I have you in my life. I can't even imagine not having you in my life. Lailah, you are such an amazing little being and one day if you so choose to - you'll understand my love and appreciation for you when you have your own little ones.
You're growing up so fast - its unbelievable. You're such a big girl now. Everyday you still help teach me new things and become a better person - just by simply being yourself. I love you Lailah. Then, now, forever, and always.
Love,
Mommy. <3

Scared me out of my mind.

Dear Lailah,
Today after I picked you up from school we walked over to the car - which was parked on the right side of a two way street. There was about a foot of space between our car and the car behind ours. I let go of your hand and asked you to get into the other side of the car. I thought you would, since you always have and I felt I could trust you to. I got into the drivers side and looked back, only to find that you did not do as I asked. I then shouted your name because I couldn't see you. You then started backing up into the road, of which had cars coming towards the direction you were backing up into. I lost it. I completely lost it. And in .5 seconds I was forced to imagine/mentally view losing you. It was one of the worst experiences in my entire life. I can not imagine not imagine not having you without feeling as if my entire life has slipped away. I love you more than anything in this world and losing you would be like losing myself. In those .5 seconds I felt empty.
Luckily you caught the panic in my voice and got closer to the car and then got in. In the opposite side of the car that I asked of you, mind you. I yelled at you - because I was scared. I was so extremely scared. I shouted at you that you could have been killed and that meant that you would have died and that you don't come back from that. And you cried. You cried hard and I yelled at you again. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I yelled. But I was so scared and you can never imagine the fear that soared through me until one day when you possibly have a child of your own.
<3 I wish you knew how deeply I love you.
Love, Mommy.