Keep shining for me.

Dear Lailah,
Yesterday I went to your very first parent teacher conference. I am so extremely proud of you.Your teacher just adores you. She said you are doing so well! She said you are motivated and persistent. She said you just have the cutest little voice and you love to sing all the songs in the class very well! She thinks you're adorable. :) She also said that you're doing very good with all of the other children in the classroom and that you are now getting along with everybody! You're doing excellent in everything. On your report card you got all 3's except for only ONE 2. Which is awesome! You are so bright! I love watching you learn and grow. You're such an amazing little girl. You have persevered and you are succeeding. This past year has been difficult for you, I know. You started Kindergarten, your first teacher got arrested, your second teacher was only temporary, you got a new baby brother, and we moved from Papa Doug's house to Mammee's. It's been a lot of change for you - but through it all you keep moving forward and you continue learning and growing. I love you more than you can know right now. <3 Keep shining for me.
Love, Mommy.

Reading!

Dear Lailah,
Hi Princess :) It has only been a couple days since the last time I wrote you a letter but I just had to write again! You have officially learned how to read small words!! I am so extremely proud of you!! You do have some trouble concentrating but you work through it and you get your work done! You try hard and you focus while you're learning and that's the best I can ask for!!
And as for my last post - We played some Uno and hugged and kissed recently. :) The look of love on your face was priceless. We played and joked and you kicked my butt lol! I love you. <3 Now, forever, and always.
<3 love Mommy

I miss you

Dear Lailah,
I miss you. You are right here, around me everyday but you're often off in your own world. You rarely come to me for cuddles, for hugs, for kisses, or comfort anymore. I miss you. I miss picking you up as you wrap your legs around my waist and lay your head on my shoulder, arms around my neck. I know that things have been different since getting pregnant and having your baby brother. Justin's filled some roles that I had previously. He helps with cooking and getting food for us. I help you with your homework - although, you hate it.
I don't know what I can do to keep our bond and for you to feel safe and comforted by me. I often want to do things with you so that maybe you'll love me more or something - like take you to the park or the zoo.. but even then you're in our own world and it doesn't help bring us any closer. Unfortunately when I try to do these nice things for you you just expect me to give you more. If I take you to the zoo you get upset if I don't get you lemonade or ice cream. If I take you to the arcade you get upset that I don't buy you something from the mall while we're there.
Maybe I should crawl into bed with you at night and snuggle until you fall asleep but idk.
Growing up - your Mamee was never too close to me and I hated it. I missed her even though she was right there and now I feel like I'm turning into her and you into me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it. I want to be more than just money or the person who takes you places. I want to be your mom, your comfort, your love, and I want to be more involved.
I have a lot of searching to do to figure this out - but I will do it, I will search inside of myself and all over if I need to so that I can be the best mom I can be for you.
I love you my little Lailah - you're growing up too fast, and I miss you.<3
Love, Mommy.

So proud of you

Dear Lailah,
Hi baby girl. :) You've been a big sister for 2 weeks now. You seem to love your little brother so much. You're definitely a little mother hen.You'll make an absolutely amazing mommy one day if that's what you choose to do. You love to help with Noel. During my pregnancy you swore that if he were a boy that you wouldn't help change him lol. Now, you like to help change him and clothe him. :p You ask to hold him often, even though your little arms seem to get tired quick. You also don't like when he fusses at all, not even a tiny grunt lol. But you're amazing with him.

I am so extremely proud of you for handling everything that you've been going through lately. You've been able to handle so much in such a short frame of time. Starting school, going on that long road trip to visit your dad, me being away for the birth of your little brother and being ill, the arrival of your little brother, and even making the hugeeee big girl transition of sleeping 100% in your own bed! I could not be more happy with you. You are so perfect in so many ways.
I am so happy that I now have this amazing bond with you. This bond that connects me to you in a way it has never connected me to anyone else besides your now new brother. But you helped me learn this bond. Because of you - I love in a whole new way. You taught me how to become this new, stronger, and better person. I thank you for that. I thank you for entering my life and choosing me to be your mommy back almost 6 years ago. You've helped me grow and become to adult I am today and I am so extremely thankful that I have you in my life. I can't even imagine not having you in my life. Lailah, you are such an amazing little being and one day if you so choose to - you'll understand my love and appreciation for you when you have your own little ones.
You're growing up so fast - its unbelievable. You're such a big girl now. Everyday you still help teach me new things and become a better person - just by simply being yourself. I love you Lailah. Then, now, forever, and always.
Love,
Mommy. <3

Scared me out of my mind.

Dear Lailah,
Today after I picked you up from school we walked over to the car - which was parked on the right side of a two way street. There was about a foot of space between our car and the car behind ours. I let go of your hand and asked you to get into the other side of the car. I thought you would, since you always have and I felt I could trust you to. I got into the drivers side and looked back, only to find that you did not do as I asked. I then shouted your name because I couldn't see you. You then started backing up into the road, of which had cars coming towards the direction you were backing up into. I lost it. I completely lost it. And in .5 seconds I was forced to imagine/mentally view losing you. It was one of the worst experiences in my entire life. I can not imagine not imagine not having you without feeling as if my entire life has slipped away. I love you more than anything in this world and losing you would be like losing myself. In those .5 seconds I felt empty.
Luckily you caught the panic in my voice and got closer to the car and then got in. In the opposite side of the car that I asked of you, mind you. I yelled at you - because I was scared. I was so extremely scared. I shouted at you that you could have been killed and that meant that you would have died and that you don't come back from that. And you cried. You cried hard and I yelled at you again. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I yelled. But I was so scared and you can never imagine the fear that soared through me until one day when you possibly have a child of your own.
<3 I wish you knew how deeply I love you.
Love, Mommy.

I secretly love:

Dear Lailah,
Tonight you were learning how to read! I am so extremely proud of you. You have just started Kindergarten and yet you have come so far with your learning! I love you so entirely much, so much I don't think you'll ever know how much. Sometimes you drive me nuts! LOL. But you're absolutely perfect. You have your sass and your attitude and you love to be independent but you are an amazing little girl and I couldn't be more happy to be your mom.
I secretly love when you act like me - even if I don't really like it, because you show me what I'd like to change in myself. I secretly love when you crawl into my bed at 4am to cuddle and hold my hand - even when we're all squished, because you won't be a little girl forever. I secretly love when you give me a sensible argument - even when it causes me to stop in my tracks and not know how to respond, because I know that you're listening to me, growing, and maturing. I secretly love all these little things about you that make you such a bright and unique growing child. I love you Lailah and I love every moment I get to have with you.
Love, mommy <3

Forgive me and accept me.

Dear Lailah,
I love you more than words can ever describe. I believe you'll never truly know or understand the love I have for you until you one day have a little one of your own. You mean everything to me. When you are happy, I am happy. When you hurt, I hurt too. I can't imagine my life without you in it.
Recently you've been missing your brother Bennett and I'm sorry. I am sorry for the pain and the grief that you have to also go through with me. At the time you were only 3, you never even met Bennett face to face. Yet, you somehow know that he belongs with us and you miss him. You bring him up often and ask about how he's doing. It hurts me inside to know that I played the ultimate role in doing this to all of us - placing him.
I hope you understand that I was told that I was doing the best for Bennett and for you over myself by everybody. I had no support and I was alone and afraid. I wanted nothing more than to bring Bennett home and have you both. But that wasn't an option for me. And even if it were I feared he wouldn't be safe with us. I hope everyday that one day you'll try to see the position I was in and you'll forgive me. <3
You've also been asking about your dad. It breaks my heart. I am SO sorry that he doesn't come home often and see you. I'm so sorry that he only comes home once a year and barely spends time with you. I know that you're a very intelligent little girl - you see and know this, nobody has to tell you. A month or so ago we went to a wishing well and you threw some coins in and made wishes. You told me that you couldn't tell me because that would mean that the wishes wouldn't come true. Well yesterday, I guess you got sick of hoping - you told me you wished your daddy would come home and see you because you really miss him. Then you said, "I guess he just doesn't care enough about me to come home to me." It broke my heart into pieces. I wish for you that your daddy would come home and see the amazing, bright, beautiful little girl that we have. I wish he could get to know you and see that blossoming, upbeat, spunky personality. I wish he would be everything you deserve from him. And I'm sorry that I can't make that happen for you.
All I can do is be here for you. Day by day, week by week, year by year. I will be here for you. When you need me I will always be here. I will never leave your side. I will be the ear you need to listen and the comfort you need to hold you. Growing up I felt so alone and I have zero intentions of doing that to you. So please, just accept me. <3
My love for you is the deepest love a human can hold inside of them - it's the love of a mommy. <3
Love,
Mommy <3