Dear Lailah,
I love you more than words can ever describe. I believe you'll never truly know or understand the love I have for you until you one day have a little one of your own. You mean everything to me. When you are happy, I am happy. When you hurt, I hurt too. I can't imagine my life without you in it.
Recently you've been missing your brother Bennett and I'm sorry. I am sorry for the pain and the grief that you have to also go through with me. At the time you were only 3, you never even met Bennett face to face. Yet, you somehow know that he belongs with us and you miss him. You bring him up often and ask about how he's doing. It hurts me inside to know that I played the ultimate role in doing this to all of us - placing him.
I hope you understand that I was told that I was doing the best for Bennett and for you over myself by everybody. I had no support and I was alone and afraid. I wanted nothing more than to bring Bennett home and have you both. But that wasn't an option for me. And even if it were I feared he wouldn't be safe with us. I hope everyday that one day you'll try to see the position I was in and you'll forgive me. <3
You've also been asking about your dad. It breaks my heart. I am SO sorry that he doesn't come home often and see you. I'm so sorry that he only comes home once a year and barely spends time with you. I know that you're a very intelligent little girl - you see and know this, nobody has to tell you. A month or so ago we went to a wishing well and you threw some coins in and made wishes. You told me that you couldn't tell me because that would mean that the wishes wouldn't come true. Well yesterday, I guess you got sick of hoping - you told me you wished your daddy would come home and see you because you really miss him. Then you said, "I guess he just doesn't care enough about me to come home to me." It broke my heart into pieces. I wish for you that your daddy would come home and see the amazing, bright, beautiful little girl that we have. I wish he could get to know you and see that blossoming, upbeat, spunky personality. I wish he would be everything you deserve from him. And I'm sorry that I can't make that happen for you.
All I can do is be here for you. Day by day, week by week, year by year. I will be here for you. When you need me I will always be here. I will never leave your side. I will be the ear you need to listen and the comfort you need to hold you. Growing up I felt so alone and I have zero intentions of doing that to you. So please, just accept me. <3
My love for you is the deepest love a human can hold inside of them - it's the love of a mommy. <3
Love,
Mommy <3
Friday, October 25, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
1 month school update and little letter.
Dear Lailah,
Hi my dear. :) You started school last month so I figured I would give an update. You are doing really well in class with being obedient, paying attention, and working to the best of your ability and I am so proud of you! You struggle with your letters so we are going to start doing flashcards everyday - you're not too happy about that, but I'm only doing it because I love you and I want to help you succeed ! <3
On another note, let me tell you how much Drama Kindergarten is ! LOL. One little girl - Emily, doesn't really get along with you too well and vise versa. From what you tell me, she struggles with sharing friends and tells you that you can't be friends with her or her friends. I've tried offering different suggestions to help you but you shoot down everything I suggest lol. I'm just going to hold faith in you that you'll figure it all out and find your place with others at school.
We've created a sticker chart today that you will be able to stick your earned stickers on ! You LOVE stickers haha. It's cute. :)
I've been asking you how you feel about the baby coming, you keep telling me "Good! I don't know, I don't really care! Stop asking me!" LOL - I think you just don't know what to expect. You are happy about your new baby brother or sister but you don't know how to respond to it just yet.
I've also asked about Bennett and you tell me you feel bad and sad that he lives so far away and that you can't really see him. I'm sorry that things are the way they are. I'm sorry about all of this regarding him and you. I wish I had another way at that time, I wish I could have kept us all together - and I'm sorry. </3
I want you to know how much I love you and how everyday of your life I will be rooting for you, in everything you do. I want to see you grow up and succeed one day - in your own personal way. I will always love you. Just keep being the kindhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving little girl that I have right now - nothing can go wrong for you like that. <3
<3 love always,
Mommy.
Hi my dear. :) You started school last month so I figured I would give an update. You are doing really well in class with being obedient, paying attention, and working to the best of your ability and I am so proud of you! You struggle with your letters so we are going to start doing flashcards everyday - you're not too happy about that, but I'm only doing it because I love you and I want to help you succeed ! <3
On another note, let me tell you how much Drama Kindergarten is ! LOL. One little girl - Emily, doesn't really get along with you too well and vise versa. From what you tell me, she struggles with sharing friends and tells you that you can't be friends with her or her friends. I've tried offering different suggestions to help you but you shoot down everything I suggest lol. I'm just going to hold faith in you that you'll figure it all out and find your place with others at school.
We've created a sticker chart today that you will be able to stick your earned stickers on ! You LOVE stickers haha. It's cute. :)
I've been asking you how you feel about the baby coming, you keep telling me "Good! I don't know, I don't really care! Stop asking me!" LOL - I think you just don't know what to expect. You are happy about your new baby brother or sister but you don't know how to respond to it just yet.
I've also asked about Bennett and you tell me you feel bad and sad that he lives so far away and that you can't really see him. I'm sorry that things are the way they are. I'm sorry about all of this regarding him and you. I wish I had another way at that time, I wish I could have kept us all together - and I'm sorry. </3
I want you to know how much I love you and how everyday of your life I will be rooting for you, in everything you do. I want to see you grow up and succeed one day - in your own personal way. I will always love you. Just keep being the kindhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving little girl that I have right now - nothing can go wrong for you like that. <3
<3 love always,
Mommy.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
1st day of Kindergarten letter to you from me. :)
Dear Lailah,
I am so proud of you! You have grown up to be such an amazing little girl and I feel so blessed to call you my own. I have no idea how I got so lucky for your little soul to find me in this great big universe. Raising you for the past 5 years and growing you within my tummy has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Becoming your mother has changed me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. You created a better, stronger, more understanding, compassionate, and loving person out of me! All of that - just by being you. Everyday I talk with you, hang out with you, and laugh with you - I also learn from you. I know, I know ! I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to teach you! And I do. :) To the very best of my ability! But you also teach me and I love learning from you. You are the most loving and compassionate soul I have ever met. Within only 5 short years you have grown into such a grown up little human that displays great understanding of others and kindness to all. You are the love of my life. Watching you grow up makes me extremely proud and happy inside but it also makes me a little sad, don't worry! Not a bad sad. A mommy type good sad. :) My baby girl isn't a baby anymore and that is no small feat! She has grown up and she will continue growing up. And I am secretly dreading the day you gain your wings and you take flight from home on me! <3 I love you Lailah and I will be here every day that I possibly can be for you. Keep learning and growing, keep being the kindest soul I know, keep being exactly who you are and who you want to be. I have faith in you, always.
Love, Mommy.
On the day you started Kindergarten!
I am so proud of you! You have grown up to be such an amazing little girl and I feel so blessed to call you my own. I have no idea how I got so lucky for your little soul to find me in this great big universe. Raising you for the past 5 years and growing you within my tummy has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Becoming your mother has changed me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. You created a better, stronger, more understanding, compassionate, and loving person out of me! All of that - just by being you. Everyday I talk with you, hang out with you, and laugh with you - I also learn from you. I know, I know ! I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to teach you! And I do. :) To the very best of my ability! But you also teach me and I love learning from you. You are the most loving and compassionate soul I have ever met. Within only 5 short years you have grown into such a grown up little human that displays great understanding of others and kindness to all. You are the love of my life. Watching you grow up makes me extremely proud and happy inside but it also makes me a little sad, don't worry! Not a bad sad. A mommy type good sad. :) My baby girl isn't a baby anymore and that is no small feat! She has grown up and she will continue growing up. And I am secretly dreading the day you gain your wings and you take flight from home on me! <3 I love you Lailah and I will be here every day that I possibly can be for you. Keep learning and growing, keep being the kindest soul I know, keep being exactly who you are and who you want to be. I have faith in you, always.
Love, Mommy.
On the day you started Kindergarten!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
You're the sweetest.
The other day she said something that really hurt my feelings. She knew it hurt my feelings too and when she realized it - she just walked out and went into the other room.So later on... about 15 mins later she came back in and laid on me, hugging me. I told her my feelings were hurt from the things she said to me. She apologized saying, "I'm sorry" - in a very concerned voice. I told her how her words made me feel and how words can hurt people.She told me that she didn't mean it and I told her that I know that but that the words still hurt. We had a personal conversation about the situation (Which I won't get into). I explained to her my feelings and I asked her about her own feelings so that we could clear it all up and come to a mutual understanding.When we finished, she apologized again in a very sincere manner.I then told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her in it. That even when she's at her Memere and Papas on weekends I miss her and I feel lost without her because I love her SO much.
She finished it off by hugging me hard and said, "Mommy I love you SOOO much, I love you wholeeee bunches !" And my heart melted. I said, "I love you MORE !" and she said, "Well, I love you the MOST !" And we hugged it out.
How on Earth did I get blessed with this amazing, understanding, empathetic, bright, beautiful little girl?!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Happy 5th bday. :)
Five years ago exactly at 12:55pm I gave birth to a beautiful little girl after 18 hrs of labor and 36 weeks of pregnancy. She was 5 lbs 5 oz and the most perfect little angel I've ever laid eyes on. She has grown up to be the most amazing little girl, she's funny, intelligent, clever, courageous, loving, caring, understanding and overall she's my little girl. I am so proud to be her mom and to watch her grow into this beautiful little girl. I love you Lailah, more than anything. You're the best thing to ever have happened to me.
*added on later date of 9/4/13
On this day I put balloons above your bed for you to wake up to. :)
*added on later date of 9/4/13
On this day I put balloons above your bed for you to wake up to. :)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Story of your name.
"I have always found the mystical side of Judiasm, the stories and the concepts, fascinating. . The following suggests that, from the time of birth, the spiritual aspect of the child has been cultivated and that at some unconscious level we are aware of spiritual secrets we have otherwise forgotten. The spiritual truth lies beneath the surface, if only we will seek it out.
According to The Zohar, there is an angel, Lailah; the angel of conception, who waits, and at the appropriate time brings the soul of the yet-to-be-born child to its parents. In Jewish legend, she is also the angel of the Night. The soul and body of man are united in this way.
When the time has come for a man and his wife to conceive a child, God directs Lailah to seek out a certain soul hidden in the Garden of Eden, and command it to enter a drop of semen. At first the soul refuses as it still remembers the pain of being born, and it prefers to remain pure. Nonetheless, Lailah compels the soul to obey, and that is when God pronounces what the fate of that sperm will be...whether male or female, strong or weak, rich or poor, and so on. Then the angel turns around and places the soul in the womb of the mother.
While the infant grows in the womb, Lailah places a lighted candle at the head of the unborn infant, so it can see from one end of the world to the other, as it is said, 'His lamp shone above my head, and by His light I walked through darkness'.
For nine months, Lailah watches over the unborn, teaching it the entire Torah as well as the history of its soul. Before the is born, it is given an oath to keep its soul pure. Then Lailah accompanies the child into the Garden of Eden, and shows it the righteous ones. So too does Lailah lead the child to the netherworld and shows it the punishments of Gehenna.
But when the time has come to be born, Lailah extinguishes the lamp, and brings forth the child into the world. The instant the child emerges, she lightly strikes the newborn above the lip, causing it to cry out. And at that very moment, the infant forgets all it has learned.
This is the origin of the mark on the upper lip, which everyone bears. Indeed, Lailah is a guardian angel, who watches over that child all of its days. And when the time has come to take leave of this world, it is Lailah who appears and says, “Do you not recognize me? The time of your departure has come. I have come to take you from this world.”
Thereupon Lailah leads him to the World to Come, where he or she has an account before God, and is accordingly judged."
http://secretsofthenight-mxtodis123.blogspot.com/2011/11/lailah-angel-of-conception.html
While pregnant with you, I felt that this angel was with me at all times and that ultimately I unconsciously named you after her. Before having you I had visions, visions of life and death. I knew when people would conceive and when babies would be born - the specific day. I saw visions of my head of accidents and I got feelings of death and knew someone was going to die right before they did. I came to believe she was with me and she helped bring me you.
According to The Zohar, there is an angel, Lailah; the angel of conception, who waits, and at the appropriate time brings the soul of the yet-to-be-born child to its parents. In Jewish legend, she is also the angel of the Night. The soul and body of man are united in this way.
When the time has come for a man and his wife to conceive a child, God directs Lailah to seek out a certain soul hidden in the Garden of Eden, and command it to enter a drop of semen. At first the soul refuses as it still remembers the pain of being born, and it prefers to remain pure. Nonetheless, Lailah compels the soul to obey, and that is when God pronounces what the fate of that sperm will be...whether male or female, strong or weak, rich or poor, and so on. Then the angel turns around and places the soul in the womb of the mother.
While the infant grows in the womb, Lailah places a lighted candle at the head of the unborn infant, so it can see from one end of the world to the other, as it is said, 'His lamp shone above my head, and by His light I walked through darkness'.
For nine months, Lailah watches over the unborn, teaching it the entire Torah as well as the history of its soul. Before the is born, it is given an oath to keep its soul pure. Then Lailah accompanies the child into the Garden of Eden, and shows it the righteous ones. So too does Lailah lead the child to the netherworld and shows it the punishments of Gehenna.
But when the time has come to be born, Lailah extinguishes the lamp, and brings forth the child into the world. The instant the child emerges, she lightly strikes the newborn above the lip, causing it to cry out. And at that very moment, the infant forgets all it has learned.
This is the origin of the mark on the upper lip, which everyone bears. Indeed, Lailah is a guardian angel, who watches over that child all of its days. And when the time has come to take leave of this world, it is Lailah who appears and says, “Do you not recognize me? The time of your departure has come. I have come to take you from this world.”
Thereupon Lailah leads him to the World to Come, where he or she has an account before God, and is accordingly judged."
http://secretsofthenight-mxtodis123.blogspot.com/2011/11/lailah-angel-of-conception.html
While pregnant with you, I felt that this angel was with me at all times and that ultimately I unconsciously named you after her. Before having you I had visions, visions of life and death. I knew when people would conceive and when babies would be born - the specific day. I saw visions of my head of accidents and I got feelings of death and knew someone was going to die right before they did. I came to believe she was with me and she helped bring me you.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Explaining you at age 4.
Dear Lailah,
You are a miracle in my life. You are the most beautiful little girl. I could not even ask for anything more.
You are 4! Four years old already. You are learning so so so much ! You're a little sponge.
You are amazing. You are so intelligent and such a little leader !
Every song is your favorite at this age.. and if it's not your favorite, it must be your daddys favorite !
You're just starting to understand sarcasm and you have picked up on how to use it quiet well. :p
You love to make people laugh, you're quite the entertainer.
I like to say that everyone is your friend and you are nobody's, because you are the leader in the group. You don't depend on having friends for your happiness, you just depend on you. :]
You love dancing and being silly, you can do a pretty mean cartwheel lol.
You say the funniest things where I just can't help but record you and show you off!
I don't know what I would do or where I would be without you in my life.
Whenever I'm not with you, I'm talking about you. I'm talking about how extremely blessed I had gotten for you to enter my life and have chosen me as your mommy.
I got so lucky to have such a well behaved and well mannered little girl.
Everyday you amaze me with the things you do and say, I can not help but smile and be so proud of you!
I am blessed to be your mommy and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Sometimes I wish more for you, I wish I could be more for you.
But all I can do is work towards being everything I know you deserve from me.
I'm in school and I'm putting our life together.
I recently promised you that one day I will buy us a house.
You will remind me everyday, I know you will. :]
You are pure innocence and your innocence drives my motivation to make something of myself. That way, one day.. you can become an amazing grown women who makes great choices for her own life.
I love you, I love you more than imaginable...
Thank you, for being in my life. <3
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