I am so blessed by you

This is copied from my other post...

Dear Lailah,
This post is copied from another area I posted it in. You are one of the absolutely most incredible and amazing people in my life, I feel so incredibly blessed and proud to have you in my life. You mean the world to me and Idk where I would be with you. You've helped shape me into who I am and you continue to every day. You inspire me to be better every day and I love you more than words could ever explain.

:


Last night I was in a mood from hell. I was cranky, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I needed to fall apart. I took a bath, which didn’t help. I then decided I would sleep in the kids room alone (they sleep in my room and everyone bed shares).

Once Lailah (10) realized that I wasn’t sleeping in my room she began to panic and cry. Which upset me (wrongfully so, but emotions can be so irrational) because I was already in a tough mood. I was in their room and tears just started flowing and my nose got stuffed and ran everywhere, I needed some tissues. So I went in my room to grab the box of tissues and Lailah was still freaking out. I ended up yelling out that not everything is about her and that I have the right to have a hard time and take care of myself when I need to, then I slammed the door. I obviously was acting like a child - impulsive, emotional, out of control, self centered, etc. I went back in their room and cried some more. And of course reflected on my behavior.

 I fought back and forth in my mind on which way to go - how to handle this - what is the “best” way. But I don’t think there’s a “right” answer. Some people would say that leaving it like that isn’t right, that my child would feel disconnected, at fault, guilt and shame, etc - and I knew she was crying alone, having a hard time too. Others would say that calling her in to me, telling her - explaining to her what was going on would cause my child to feel as if “fixing me” was her responsibility, that her feelings didn’t matter and mine did, that she would feel insignificant or as if she had to fulfill the “parental role”. I reflected on this for some time. Feeling like these were my only two options.

 I ended up deciding that her crying alone was worse for her so I called her in to lay with me. Snuggled up in her twin sized bed together she asked me what was wrong. The tears started flowing again and I told her, “I really miss your brother and I’m having a hard time with his birthday coming up and your sister isn’t born yet and it’s hard.”
She responded, “That must be horrible for you, because you love him and you want to be in his life and know him and you can’t.”
I said back, “I wish I could know him, I miss him so much.”
She started stroking my arm and saying, “I know mommy, sometimes in life, things happen that we don’t like and sometimes things come up that are hard and we wish they wouldn’t but there’s nothing we can do about them but deal with them.”
I said, “I wish I knew how to deal with them.”
She responded, “You are, you’re crying and it’s ok to cry. Everyone cries sometimes, and you’re allowed to cry mommy, it’s ok, you can cry.”
After a pause and more contemplating, I told her that I asked Liz to know Bennett and that she ignored me. Lailah responded by continuing to be loving, empathetic, kind, and supportive.
“I know that must be difficult. You want to know him and be in his life, you love him and miss him and that’s hard.”
I told her, “I love all of you, all my babies, and its really hard for me not having one of you here with me.”
Still stroking my arm she said, “I know mommy, I know, it’s going to be ok”
I continued falling apart, “I wish I was stronger, that I somehow found a way to keep him with us, that none of this ever happened.”
She responded back “Mommy, you did the best you could do, what you felt you could do, and that’s all you could do. You do your best in the situation you’re in and that’s what you did. And it’s ok to feel sad about that.”
I continued crying and she continued rubbing my arm and snuggling up to me until we fell asleep.

 Now - most would probably see that she felt obligated to “parent” me. But I see this as my amazing, incredible little girl being who she is. Kind, loving, caring, supportive. And this isn’t just a “parenting” technique. She will use these qualities and traits throughout her life - with friends, with partners, and hopefully with herself as well. She held space for me, she supported me, and through it she loved me. And to be honest I don’t think anyone else could have been as supportive toward me as she was. Maybe I was wrong, but leaving her alone in the other room crying, feeling at fault for how I felt, feeling ignored, feeling disconnected and cast aside - wasn’t right either.

Happy 10th bday baby girl!

Today this happened, and I made mistakes, obviously, but then I did my best to fix it and repair my relationship with you as well as help you with your emotions.

I asked you to unplug the things plugged into the wall today. You was making excuses saying you can’t and that you didn’t know what I was talking about blah blah. So I was like “never mind” then you snapped “don’t even start with me!” Which triggered me, that’s your father, my exes, mother coming out of you (she often talks like that). So I said “I just said never mind! It’s not a big deal!” 

I wanted to blow dry my hair but the fuse got blown just by plugging it in because you wouldn’t unplug the things in the room (which you've done many times and I know you could). But it really wasn’t a big deal. So then you kept yelling at me and said “you’re making me frustrated and angry!” I said “I’m not in control of your emotions, the only person in control of your emotions is you! I can’t make you feel any sort of way.” So then Noel, who is 4atm, went to put this paper elf you guys made together and cut out back on the door handle of our little blue cabinet and you screamed at him about it. You were already heated and yelled “what do you think you’re doing?!” And I said “Lailah, it fell when you opened the cabinet earlier, he was just trying to help” you then yelled “well he’s going to ruin it!” I said rashly and upset “no he won’t! Don’t open your mouth anymore while you’re in this mood because nothing you say is nice” which I feel guilty for. I know it was wrong of me, and instantly regretted it. 

Then you started screaming and crying and saying your day is ruined. We were getting ready to meet my mom, your Mammy, for breakfast and at this point I was spent, which is no excuse, I have to work better on my own impulse control - and I am doing my best. Then I said “really? You’re really going to start this now? Is it really a big deal? Is all of this worth it?!” 

Then I went knew I had to calm myself and regain control, so I went into the bathroom and started doing my makeup in attempt to take myself out of the situation for a couple mins to calm down best I could. As I was you stormed by to go into your room and as you were passing I said “Lailah, come here please” so you pivoted and yelled “What?!” I said “I want to apologize.” You asked, why?! I said “I’m trying to apologize because I shouldn’t have snapped at you and I’m sorry.” Then you cried “I’m having a bad day and it’s my birthday and I’m already having a bad day because I was rude and you told me to keep my mouth shut!” 

So then I went and sat on my bed and asked you to come sit in my lap. You came and sunk into my lap laying into me. I apologized again for what I said and told you I shouldn’t say that, that I was upset and I say things I shouldn’t sometimes but that it’s not ok and I’ll work better at it in the future. I asked you how you felt, you told me that you felt sad. I validated you and you started saying “my whole day is ruined, I’m having a very bad day!” I said “yes, you’re having a bad morning and it feels right now like it’s going to last forever, doesn’t it?” You nodded yes. I said “sometimes when we have big feelings like this it feels so strong like it’s never going to end, but it does and it passes through us.” You said “I’m gonna have a bad day all day on my birthday!” I said “I know, it definitely feels that way right now. And it’s ok to feel sad and to cry, it’s healthy. I’m here and I’ll help you through this, I promise it will pass and then you’ll Start to feel better”.
It continued like that a few more times. You kept recalling that you were sad cuz you were rude and I said, “I was rude and not very kind either and I’m not proud or happy about it but I apologized and I’m not beating myself up over it because the moments passed and we can only move forward now. Let all your emotions out and you will feel better”.
Then you said “I won’t feel better, my day is ruined!”
Then I said “do you think this has something to do with mommy being in the hospital a few days ago and you were worried about me and your sister?” (I had preterm labor at 30 weeks a few days ago so your dad picked you up from school unexpectedly and you stayed at his house for the night). You said you didn’t know. I said “I feel like you might have been very worried about us and I want you to know that I’m right here and we’re both safe. You said nothing happened at daddy’s right?” You said no, nothing did. I said “when you got home, you were already having a hard time and you’ve been ever since, maybe a lot of this is also your worry for mommy and your sister, do you think it could be?” You shrugged and cried more.
I said “it’s ok, were here, and I know you are having a bad morning but a bad morning is just a bad morning, it doesn’t mean your whole day will be bad, you can have a good afternoon and a good night and then you can turn your bad morning into a good day.”
You nodded yes.
I said “Whenever you’re ready we’re gonna go meet mammy for breakfast ok, but you can take as long as you need, I’ll be here to help you through it”. You then said you were starting to feel better. I said “do you want to get ready to go?” You nodded yes. Then we got up and left.
You started feeling a lot better than the past 4 days since I got home from the hospital. You became more patient, thoughtful, caring, and in better control of yourself.

Many hours later, after a trip to the mall with Mammy and auntie Moe - to go to build a bear, you beamed at me and said “I did have a bad morning but now I’m having a really good afternoon and I’m sure I’ll also have a good night!” I said “see, days can turn themselves around, one moment or situation doesn’t determine the whole day” she smiled at me happily. 

Then when we got home you came and sat in my lap again. I asked how you were feeling and you said “I really was worried about you and the baby when you were in the hospital” I said “I know, you’ve been holding onto that for a while huh?” You said “yeah, I just want you both to be ok and it worried me. I was scared”. I said “I know, it was really scary. I promise we’re okay and safe right now, ok?” You said yes and then sat with me a bit longer.

I obviously made mistakes. But I’m proud of what I feel I did “right”. And it seems I did decently enough because you felt a lot better and also verified that you were indeed worried. And you spent a good amount of time feeling safe enough to let emotions pass through you and to let yourself feel them.

I can only hope I continue growing on this journey with you and your siblings.

Your dad came and picked you up shortly after all that and then you and he met your brother, Justin, and I at Friendly's for dinner. You had chicken tenders with fries and then vanilla ice cream with sprinkles and tons of gummy bears lol.  

When we got home before bed you got really upset at your brother for him accidentally painting on your picture in the book you both were painting in that Justin had bought you for your birthday. He ended up falling apart in tears because it was an accident and you were so mad at him, he felt very sad and apologetic for his mistake but you could only feel the anger you felt at the fact that your picture was ruined. You tore up the picture and threw it away. You were telling him you were sorry for snapping at him, but in a very angry tone, very defensive. I tried to help you through it but you would just snap at me, so I comforted your brother until you were ready to calm down. Then when it passed only a few mins later you sincerely apologized to Noel and then you both started playing kindly together again.

Now it's bed time, we are all very exhausted. You've just put outfits on your build a bears that you got from Mammy.... now I've got to try to get you both to sleep lol. Life of a mom never ends but I would never ever trade it for anything. 

I love you so much, you're my world. You made me who I am today and I am so grateful and thankful to have you in my life. 

Some stressful situations

Dear Lailah,
I know I just wrote to you a few days ago.. there was more on my mind to explain to you.
The past few months your relationship with Justin has been strained. Justin sometimes argues with you like he is 10 year old and you often become the mature one and you back out of the conversation by saying, "I'm not going to argue with you anymore/about this anymore" and you go in the other room or find something else to do.
I want you to know that I do not agree with Justin resorting into child mode with you and not acting as the adult he is - BUT I also understand WHY he does - that doesn't mean that I condone it at all.
I actually even almost left him over it. But Justin loves our family, he loves you, he loves your siblings, and he wants to TRY to be better. He has started himself in therapy and him and I have also started couples therapy. That is a HUGE step for him and for the benefit of our family. I hope that working with Justin through this shows you that I'm not taking his side.. but that sometimes good people struggle in life and they just need extra support - not to lose everything and everyone they love and care about.
I DO take your side - hence why Justin had to start therapy for himself and get help. We're also discussing him get further help by a psychiatrist and neurologist - and that's not because something is "wrong" with him that needs to be fixed... but we all have parts of us that we come to learn no longer serve us and we need extra help learning to grow out of those elements that had previously defined us.
When someone is blatantly abusive - threatening, punishing, physical harming, throwing things, slamming doors, breaking things, intimidation, etc... that is one thing. But Justin doesn't do any of those things to you - I absolutely under no circumstances would ever allow that behavior and if you ever ever described any of that to me I would take you and your siblings and leave immediately. Justin gets defensive and argumentative - he acts your age because he was never taught how to handle situations better - with time, therapy, and help from me, I am hoping he can improve on that. I have good faith that he can and he will - BECAUSE he does love you and he loves our family. He is struggling right now - as all humans do, multiple times throughout their lives.
There are many times I've been a less than stellar human and a lot of people abandoned me - besides Justin. And when I had met Justin and he was there for me - I flourished and I improved and I've come a really long way. Sometimes that is all we need - is support from a loved one.
I hope that you can understand this and why I am giving Justin this chance.
I love you both so much and I only want what is best for ALL of us - YOU and HIM included.

You're also becoming hormonal and it's not only difficult for him... and YOU, but also me too. You are also in therapy - you see a woman named Kathryn once a week. It's not just anxiety but I think you're also pretty moody and stressed out because your hormones are getting thrown all over the place. These next few years are probably going to become difficult for you and I am hoping that I can do my best for you as your mommy and help you through it as smoothly as I can. You've been getting a couple pimples here and there for the last year now... and yesterday you informed me that you thought you were accidentally peeing yourself a little bit.. but you aren't, you're starting to discharge - which is healthy and normal due to hormones increasing. It's started to get on your underwear and you are utterly disgusted by it lol. You definitely will not enjoy your period once it begins lol But I will be here for you and supporting you the best I can through all these difficult changes you will be facing. And I also will be here for you through anything that arises with Justin and I will always have your back. I might not always be the perfect parent - I am human, just as Justin is, just as you are, and just as every other human on the planet is. We unfortunately are never 100% in control of ourselves and definitely not over our emotions and impulses.. life is hard... best we can do is be there for one another and support those that we love and care for. I will always do the best I can in each moment - even if that means telling you "I can't right now... I am feeling stressed out, sad, hurt, overwhelmed etc... I need space/some time to myself." Or whatever...

Just please know that I love you.. You're my sweet girl and you always will be.

Love, mommy <3

School struggles.

Dear Lailah,
You've entered back into public school this year and you're having a hard time. I am working on getting a referral for you to get a mental health evaluation so that I can hopefully help you with school. You've been getting punished for struggling even though it's not your fault. I trust that if you COULD do better, you'd obviously try your best to do better, so I know that you're having a hard time... I hope that my efforts can help you.
I will also be getting you a tutor to help with math and maybe reading as well.. we will see what I can afford.
You also see a therapist - Kathryn, once a week, at the Providence Center. You seem to like her but you haven't yet really opened up to her yet so I'm not sure how it's going yet... you've only had like 2 appointments with her though, so I will give you both time to see if this is a good fit and beneficial for you.
I want you to know that I love you very much and that this is a priority for me since you are important to me. I want you to understand when you're older why I made the choices I did and why I felt I had to, so maybe you can understand your childhood better than I ever could with my own. Maybe it could benefit you in some way.
Well, I'm doing my best and I want you to know that.
<3 love mommy.

Always know I'm here.

Dear Lailah,
I haven't written to you in quite some time. I've had a lot going on in my life.
I've had two uncles pass away recently, you didn't know them very well, but you are extremely empathetic so you can sense the pain that it's brought me.
We had my ex best friend Tom move in for a short period - about a month. That was an interesting experience for all of us, I think. Justin and I opened out marriage and I dated Tom as well. But Tom ended up showing me abusive tendencies that I recognized quickly and I just as quickly cut off from. Sometimes in life you have to let relationships and friendships go that no longer are healthy, beneficial, or equal anymore. I hope that one day if you struggle in a relationship you'll know that you have the power and strength to let go and that I will always be here to support you through that extremely difficult choice.
I love Tom, and I miss him - who he was for me, who I believed he was for 8 years. BUT that doesn't make abuse okay. Gas lighting - doing or saying something upsetting or harmful and then acting like the victim is the crazy one or that they're too sensitive, blowing things up out of control etc. is not okay. Touching your body in any manner without your consent - is not okay. Tom would often grab my arms or hands and twist them, it was painful and NOT okay.
Who I believed Tom was and who I absolutely adored for 8 years is not the same person he truly is. Abusive people can disguise themselves for very long periods of time and they pick up on the traits you like and desire and they hold up that façade to keep you fooled.
I hope you never ever have to face such a situation, but if you do I want you to know that you're not alone, that abusive people target anyone and that it has nothing to do with you personally, that you are not weak or anything that he attempts to convince you that you are.
You are a strong, capable, wonderful woman who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. You do NOT have to - and I hope you choose not to - tolerate abuse and harmful personalities.

I've started listening to peaceful parenting audiobooks lately, so that I can work on being the best parent I can be for you. I have been trying to connect more to you lately and heal our relationship with one another. You seem to engage in the healing and connecting with me and for that I feel extremely grateful.

I've been recognizing how intelligent you truly are. How much of a free thinker you are, how deeply you can think into things and contemplate people, life events, and situations. You surprise me every day. You are years ahead of your time.
When it comes to academic learning I realize that you face a lot of anxiety and fear (I blame the public school system), you tend to get stuck on whatever it is you're working on and you sort of go in circles within the same topic. It's not a bad thing or anything wrong, it's an anxiety block and I have faced it throughout my life as well.
I hope that I can encourage you to want to learn academics on your own again without feeling fear of failing. I hope to encourage you to learn simply because learning honestly is a lot of fun. We develop ourselves into who we are meant to become by constantly learning and adapting. <3

Overall, I love you and I will do my very best to always be here for you and be who you need me to be.

I'm trying my best.

Dear Lailah,
You are currently 8.5 and I've begun homeschooling you this year. You hate reading, writing, and social studies. You are supposed to do schoolwork for 5 hours a day and you postpone for over 1.5 hours each day. It is driving me insane. I just sent you to lay down to take a nap because you've been whining non stop nearly all day. You're refusing to pay attention to what is being taught to you. Idk what to do. I want to homeschool you because the school systems here are absolutely terrible and the bullying in schools is out of control. But at the same time I feel like I can't teach you anything when you literally ignore what is being taught to you.
Other than school you are an incredible little human who is compassionate, heart felt, caring, thoughtful, fun, enthusiastic, you demonstrate leadership qualities, you are a positive role model for your brother and others, you are helpful, and smart. You just hate paying attention to things you don't feel interested in and you like to push boundaries.
You still see a therapist - Gabrielle, for your anxiety. You like going to see her, although, you push boundaries with her as well. She will ask you to pick 3 colors and you'll try to pick 6 colors. You push whatever you can if you feel you can get away with it. I usually have to step in and enforce a boundary for you to abide by.
You are in cheerleading and you really enjoy it - although, you say you do not want to do it again next year. You knew going into it that you would have to complete the season so I think you're doing your best to do just that. You really do like it, but you're not fond of the strict rules.
We had a really fun day last Friday, I think it was, we invited your dad to go to IHOP with us all and we spent time as a family. Afterwards, your dad took us all mini golfing. It was a lot of fun. <3 I really like that your dad doesn't have any issues including himself in our family because I feel that is really beneficial for you in the long run.

<3 I love you. I really truly want the best for you and sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right choices or if I am doing the right things, but I am trying, I am honestly trying my best.

You've reached 8.5 - and a post about who I am at this point in your life.

Dear Lailah,
You have passed the 8.5 age mark and are headed quickly into age 9. You are such a kind, thoughtful, helpful, loving, understanding, and energetic little girl. You make my heart happy. You've joined cheerleading this year and you really enjoy it. I was nervous at first about you getting into cheerleading since you previously have complained about attending sports often but you're doing really well with it, even though it's almost nightly and on Sundays as well.
You're also being homeschooled by me this year. It's stressful for me and difficult because I have both you and your brother to tend to. You need most of my attention since you do best with me reading the information to you and helping you understand the content while your brother also demands my attention because he is only 2 and bored. But we will find a way to make it work, we've just started a couple weeks ago and we're still getting into the swing of things.

You still really hate sleeping in your own bed, even though you sleep in our room. You have anxiety, so you get very anxious about it. We have started this past week putting your brother and you to bed in the same bed but your brother crawls into ours a few hours later. Most mornings after Justin leaves for work you crawl into bed with us, your brother and I, as well.

I was thinking spur of the moment, that maybe you would like to know about who I am at this point in life. I was thinking to myself how I would have liked something to look back on to see who my mom was and what she thought about herself when I was little. So, here it is:

I'm 26 at the moment. I am a mom first and foremost. Next, I am an activist. I stand with others who work to protect the innocence and rights of children. I am extremely anti routine circumcision. Circumcision is a barbaric act of torture done to baby boys here in America. Little boys are defenseless and parents have their penis skinned alive. It is something that should absolutely not be done. I work with others on informing expecting parents of the dangers and harms of circumcision. I also am admin of a gentle parenting page as I advocate for respectful parenting. I am not a perfect parent as neither is most parents. But I work hard at being the best mom I know how to be. I read gentle parenting books and I work hard on healing myself so that I can be the best mom I can be. I yell sometimes, I get frustrated, I am human and I am still growing as a person, as an individual. I spend a lot of time on the internet, on Facebook. I honestly have an addiction to it and I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying to limit how much time I spend on it and I've been working on spending more time with you and your brother. But the internet is the only place I really get adult interaction. As much as I love your brother and you, I NEED adult interaction too. Especially on days where I am stressed to the max and need help cooling down - I can instantly message and vent to a friend and it helps tremendously. I am anti vaccine because of the dangerous toxins contained in them all, the formaldehyde, the aluminum, the animal kidneys, tissues, and bloods, the human fetal DNA, the mercury, among other harmful toxic carcinogens. Nevermind the fact that hundreds thousands of children are permanently disabled or dead because of vaccine injuries. Vaccines destroy the blood brain barrier of the brain which leads to all kinds of complications. I am pro choice because I believe that a woman should have the choice whether or not to bring a new life into the world for her to either raise herself or live with the daily torture of someone raising her child for her. There are many circumstances that are out of our control in which raising a child is not suitable or desirable at that time and no woman should be forced to carry a child and birth it - the child doesn't deserve that either, being born to a mother who can not raise him or her properly and the only option being some sort of trauma. I am very anti infant adoption and pro family preservation. Adoption is a multi billion dollar industry that preys on typically young resourceless women who are facing depression. They use her hormonal state against her and lead her to believe she can not parent, that parenting would be selfish of her, that she is unworthy etc. Yes, that's what happened to me with your brother Bennett. We can talk more about it when you're an adult. Probably after you receive this, if you're interested.
Hm, I think I touched on everything.... This is who I am right now, I may or may not change over time. But what I know will not change for sure is my love for you. <3