Thursday, January 4, 2018

Some stressful situations

Dear Lailah,
I know I just wrote to you a few days ago.. there was more on my mind to explain to you.
The past few months your relationship with Justin has been strained. Justin sometimes argues with you like he is 10 year old and you often become the mature one and you back out of the conversation by saying, "I'm not going to argue with you anymore/about this anymore" and you go in the other room or find something else to do.
I want you to know that I do not agree with Justin resorting into child mode with you and not acting as the adult he is - BUT I also understand WHY he does - that doesn't mean that I condone it at all.
I actually even almost left him over it. But Justin loves our family, he loves you, he loves your siblings, and he wants to TRY to be better. He has started himself in therapy and him and I have also started couples therapy. That is a HUGE step for him and for the benefit of our family. I hope that working with Justin through this shows you that I'm not taking his side.. but that sometimes good people struggle in life and they just need extra support - not to lose everything and everyone they love and care about.
I DO take your side - hence why Justin had to start therapy for himself and get help. We're also discussing him get further help by a psychiatrist and neurologist - and that's not because something is "wrong" with him that needs to be fixed... but we all have parts of us that we come to learn no longer serve us and we need extra help learning to grow out of those elements that had previously defined us.
When someone is blatantly abusive - threatening, punishing, physical harming, throwing things, slamming doors, breaking things, intimidation, etc... that is one thing. But Justin doesn't do any of those things to you - I absolutely under no circumstances would ever allow that behavior and if you ever ever described any of that to me I would take you and your siblings and leave immediately. Justin gets defensive and argumentative - he acts your age because he was never taught how to handle situations better - with time, therapy, and help from me, I am hoping he can improve on that. I have good faith that he can and he will - BECAUSE he does love you and he loves our family. He is struggling right now - as all humans do, multiple times throughout their lives.
There are many times I've been a less than stellar human and a lot of people abandoned me - besides Justin. And when I had met Justin and he was there for me - I flourished and I improved and I've come a really long way. Sometimes that is all we need - is support from a loved one.
I hope that you can understand this and why I am giving Justin this chance.
I love you both so much and I only want what is best for ALL of us - YOU and HIM included.

You're also becoming hormonal and it's not only difficult for him... and YOU, but also me too. You are also in therapy - you see a woman named Kathryn once a week. It's not just anxiety but I think you're also pretty moody and stressed out because your hormones are getting thrown all over the place. These next few years are probably going to become difficult for you and I am hoping that I can do my best for you as your mommy and help you through it as smoothly as I can. You've been getting a couple pimples here and there for the last year now... and yesterday you informed me that you thought you were accidentally peeing yourself a little bit.. but you aren't, you're starting to discharge - which is healthy and normal due to hormones increasing. It's started to get on your underwear and you are utterly disgusted by it lol. You definitely will not enjoy your period once it begins lol But I will be here for you and supporting you the best I can through all these difficult changes you will be facing. And I also will be here for you through anything that arises with Justin and I will always have your back. I might not always be the perfect parent - I am human, just as Justin is, just as you are, and just as every other human on the planet is. We unfortunately are never 100% in control of ourselves and definitely not over our emotions and impulses.. life is hard... best we can do is be there for one another and support those that we love and care for. I will always do the best I can in each moment - even if that means telling you "I can't right now... I am feeling stressed out, sad, hurt, overwhelmed etc... I need space/some time to myself." Or whatever...

Just please know that I love you.. You're my sweet girl and you always will be.

Love, mommy <3

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

School struggles.

Dear Lailah,
You've entered back into public school this year and you're having a hard time. I am working on getting a referral for you to get a mental health evaluation so that I can hopefully help you with school. You've been getting punished for struggling even though it's not your fault. I trust that if you COULD do better, you'd obviously try your best to do better, so I know that you're having a hard time... I hope that my efforts can help you.
I will also be getting you a tutor to help with math and maybe reading as well.. we will see what I can afford.
You also see a therapist - Kathryn, once a week, at the Providence Center. You seem to like her but you haven't yet really opened up to her yet so I'm not sure how it's going yet... you've only had like 2 appointments with her though, so I will give you both time to see if this is a good fit and beneficial for you.
I want you to know that I love you very much and that this is a priority for me since you are important to me. I want you to understand when you're older why I made the choices I did and why I felt I had to, so maybe you can understand your childhood better than I ever could with my own. Maybe it could benefit you in some way.
Well, I'm doing my best and I want you to know that.
<3 love mommy.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Always know I'm here.

Dear Lailah,
I haven't written to you in quite some time. I've had a lot going on in my life.
I've had two uncles pass away recently, you didn't know them very well, but you are extremely empathetic so you can sense the pain that it's brought me.
We had my ex best friend Tom move in for a short period - about a month. That was an interesting experience for all of us, I think. Justin and I opened out marriage and I dated Tom as well. But Tom ended up showing me abusive tendencies that I recognized quickly and I just as quickly cut off from. Sometimes in life you have to let relationships and friendships go that no longer are healthy, beneficial, or equal anymore. I hope that one day if you struggle in a relationship you'll know that you have the power and strength to let go and that I will always be here to support you through that extremely difficult choice.
I love Tom, and I miss him - who he was for me, who I believed he was for 8 years. BUT that doesn't make abuse okay. Gas lighting - doing or saying something upsetting or harmful and then acting like the victim is the crazy one or that they're too sensitive, blowing things up out of control etc. is not okay. Touching your body in any manner without your consent - is not okay. Tom would often grab my arms or hands and twist them, it was painful and NOT okay.
Who I believed Tom was and who I absolutely adored for 8 years is not the same person he truly is. Abusive people can disguise themselves for very long periods of time and they pick up on the traits you like and desire and they hold up that façade to keep you fooled.
I hope you never ever have to face such a situation, but if you do I want you to know that you're not alone, that abusive people target anyone and that it has nothing to do with you personally, that you are not weak or anything that he attempts to convince you that you are.
You are a strong, capable, wonderful woman who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. You do NOT have to - and I hope you choose not to - tolerate abuse and harmful personalities.

I've started listening to peaceful parenting audiobooks lately, so that I can work on being the best parent I can be for you. I have been trying to connect more to you lately and heal our relationship with one another. You seem to engage in the healing and connecting with me and for that I feel extremely grateful.

I've been recognizing how intelligent you truly are. How much of a free thinker you are, how deeply you can think into things and contemplate people, life events, and situations. You surprise me every day. You are years ahead of your time.
When it comes to academic learning I realize that you face a lot of anxiety and fear (I blame the public school system), you tend to get stuck on whatever it is you're working on and you sort of go in circles within the same topic. It's not a bad thing or anything wrong, it's an anxiety block and I have faced it throughout my life as well.
I hope that I can encourage you to want to learn academics on your own again without feeling fear of failing. I hope to encourage you to learn simply because learning honestly is a lot of fun. We develop ourselves into who we are meant to become by constantly learning and adapting. <3

Overall, I love you and I will do my very best to always be here for you and be who you need me to be.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

I'm trying my best.

Dear Lailah,
You are currently 8.5 and I've begun homeschooling you this year. You hate reading, writing, and social studies. You are supposed to do schoolwork for 5 hours a day and you postpone for over 1.5 hours each day. It is driving me insane. I just sent you to lay down to take a nap because you've been whining non stop nearly all day. You're refusing to pay attention to what is being taught to you. Idk what to do. I want to homeschool you because the school systems here are absolutely terrible and the bullying in schools is out of control. But at the same time I feel like I can't teach you anything when you literally ignore what is being taught to you.
Other than school you are an incredible little human who is compassionate, heart felt, caring, thoughtful, fun, enthusiastic, you demonstrate leadership qualities, you are a positive role model for your brother and others, you are helpful, and smart. You just hate paying attention to things you don't feel interested in and you like to push boundaries.
You still see a therapist - Gabrielle, for your anxiety. You like going to see her, although, you push boundaries with her as well. She will ask you to pick 3 colors and you'll try to pick 6 colors. You push whatever you can if you feel you can get away with it. I usually have to step in and enforce a boundary for you to abide by.
You are in cheerleading and you really enjoy it - although, you say you do not want to do it again next year. You knew going into it that you would have to complete the season so I think you're doing your best to do just that. You really do like it, but you're not fond of the strict rules.
We had a really fun day last Friday, I think it was, we invited your dad to go to IHOP with us all and we spent time as a family. Afterwards, your dad took us all mini golfing. It was a lot of fun. <3 I really like that your dad doesn't have any issues including himself in our family because I feel that is really beneficial for you in the long run.

<3 I love you. I really truly want the best for you and sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right choices or if I am doing the right things, but I am trying, I am honestly trying my best.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

You've reached 8.5 - and a post about who I am at this point in your life.

Dear Lailah,
You have passed the 8.5 age mark and are headed quickly into age 9. You are such a kind, thoughtful, helpful, loving, understanding, and energetic little girl. You make my heart happy. You've joined cheerleading this year and you really enjoy it. I was nervous at first about you getting into cheerleading since you previously have complained about attending sports often but you're doing really well with it, even though it's almost nightly and on Sundays as well.
You're also being homeschooled by me this year. It's stressful for me and difficult because I have both you and your brother to tend to. You need most of my attention since you do best with me reading the information to you and helping you understand the content while your brother also demands my attention because he is only 2 and bored. But we will find a way to make it work, we've just started a couple weeks ago and we're still getting into the swing of things.
You still really hate sleeping in your own bed, even though you sleep in our room. You have anxiety, so you get very anxious about it. We have started this past week putting your brother and you to bed in the same bed but your brother crawls into ours a few hours later. Most mornings after Justin leaves for work you crawl into bed with us, your brother and I, as well.

I was thinking spur of the moment, that maybe you would like to know about who I am at this point in life. I was thinking to myself how I would have liked something to look back on to see who my mom was and what she thought about herself when I was little. So, here it is:

I'm 26 at the moment. I am a mom first and foremost. Next, I am an activist. I stand with others who work to protect the innocence and rights of children. I am extremely anti routine circumcision. Circumcision is a barbaric act of torture done to baby boys here in America. Little boys are defenseless and parents have their penis skinned alive. It is something that should absolutely not be done. I work with others on informing expecting parents of the dangers and harms of circumcision. I also am admin of a gentle parenting page as I advocate for respectful parenting. I am not a perfect parent as neither is most parents. But I work hard at being the best mom I know how to be. I read gentle parenting books and I work hard on healing myself so that I can be the best mom I can be. I yell sometimes, I get frustrated, I am human and I am still growing as a person, as an individual. I spend a lot of time on the internet, on Facebook. I honestly have an addiction to it and I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying to limit how much time I spend on it and I've been working on spending more time with you and your brother. But the internet is the only place I really get adult interaction. As much as I love your brother and you, I NEED adult interaction too. Especially on days where I am stressed to the max and need help cooling down - I can instantly message and vent to a friend and it helps tremendously. I am anti vaccine because of the dangerous toxins contained in them all, the formaldehyde, the aluminum, the animal kidneys, tissues, and bloods, the human fetal DNA, the mercury, among other harmful toxic carcinogens. Nevermind the fact that hundreds thousands of children are permanently disabled or dead because of vaccine injuries. Vaccines destroy the blood brain barrier of the brain which leads to all kinds of complications. I am pro choice because I believe that a woman should have the choice whether or not to bring a new life into the world for her to either raise herself or live with the daily torture of someone raising her child for her. There are many circumstances that are out of our control in which raising a child is not suitable or desirable at that time and no woman should be forced to carry a child and birth it - the child doesn't deserve that either, being born to a mother who can not raise him or her properly and the only option being some sort of trauma. I am very anti infant adoption and pro family preservation. Adoption is a multi billion dollar industry that preys on typically young resourceless women who are facing depression. They use her hormonal state against her and lead her to believe she can not parent, that parenting would be selfish of her, that she is unworthy etc. Yes, that's what happened to me with your brother Bennett. We can talk more about it when you're an adult. Probably after you receive this, if you're interested.
Hm, I think I touched on everything.... This is who I am right now, I may or may not change over time. But what I know will not change for sure is my love for you. <3

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Past tidbits of you lol

LOL Facebook has reminded me of some things from previous years today :

Last year - Justin went in the kitchen to make mommy food.
You called out to him asking if he is in the kitchen.
He replied, no that he is on the roof
You said, "Really? Jump off the roof!"

You: I got a big Nog Head.
Justin: What?
You: I got a big Nog Head, look *slams you head into his and laughs hysterically.*
Justin: OWWWWWWWWW
You: See !! That's my big Noggin !
lmao, you're so funny. - 2013

I made a post about how your softball team called you Peanut while cheering you on at base to bat. In 2013.

You took up the entire bed as I was in the bathroom. When I got back you were singing, "I'm taking the whole bed up" over and over. So I laid on you and started biting your cheeks.
You: Don't eat me, you little MONSTER!!! I'm not FOOD!!"
LOL - 2013

You and I got out of the shower, I was getting dressed but you were slacking.
Me: Come on, get dressed, What are you waiting for?
You: Santa Claus *laughs hysterically*
hahahha, :p - 2012

Lailah reading One fish Two fish Blue fish Red fish - "Some are happy, some are sad, and some are mean !!! Some are nice....
One falls... guess what? Oh well... One can fly, one can fly !!
How many hands I have?! One, two, three, for, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen !!
Push the bike up, push the bike up ! STOP, three !
Mom... I really don't like this bed.. my feet are sticking out !
Oh... okay mom.... bye.
As you can... oh. Ohh I get two fishy ! I get a moon ! Hello?
I can't do stuff, I wanted... I got a book, call it a book.
Look, he open the gate and water goes all over him, all over he's floor because his curtain is open... splashing the floor... nevermind washing up, he's a baby.
Drinking all the way down.. this is him tummy. He's still drinking.
Next and again !
some and spray, I'm gonna hand a cake. hot and spray, I could it's pouring and rain, I don't like the rain so I took this on my head. Sprayed water all over the place he has to get nice and clean.
hello mom, he has to get his cord okay, look, the mouse cut the cord.
Cutting your hair in the pool... I dropped all mine *laughs* rings go on he's head.
And he's stuck in the puddle !
He's sleeping... anddddddddd.... hot and spray, shut the bugs off, I got your hand and you can do it.
The end."

LOLOLOL - 2012





Sunday, May 1, 2016

The ways of your grandmother

Dear Lailah,
Last Monday there was a situation where Justin had set a limit with you, he told you that you had to come home because I sent him to go pick you up. You were begging him to call me and Noel was tantruming and he got overwhelmed. When he got overwhelmed he said, "No Lailah, you do not need to call your mom because we are going home. Your mom sent me to pick you up and that's what I'm doing." He was not wrong in setting this limit with you but you persisted and he let you call me. When you called me I told you you had to come home because you had softball... Then we hung up and Justin called me. While we were on the phone I overheard your Mammee, my "mom", flipping out on Justin, screaming at him like a crazy person. She then told Justin to have me call her, which I did. During that call she was screaming at me that Justin is abusive to you (which he is not, he simply set a limit with you) and that I should leave him. I refused to leave him and reminded her that my dad used to beat me as a kid and that was acceptable but now limits are not? She got even more angry and she started threatening me. I hung up on her and she called back but I forwarded it. She left me a nasty message full of threats which she later followed through on.
I am telling you all this so that one day when you want to know why your grandmother isn't in your life you'll have this to look back on instead of me saying I don't remember. This isn't the first time she's been like this. The last time we cut contact with her for a while was when she locked us out of her house while we lived in the basement and you kept knocking on the door to eat and she ignored you for hours and hours until I finally left and took you with me and we moved in with Papa Doug. Before that she kicked me out when I was pregnant with Bennett and she kept you from me, threatening me that she would have DCYF take you away from me and give you to her if I tried to take you with me. I was so afraid of her back then... but I am NOT afraid of her anymore.
I have had to make the difficult decision to eliminate her from all of our lives. She is not healthy for any of us nor she is stable enough to attempt a relationship with. She does this with everyone in her life. She is a narcissist and she will never change. When you're an adult, if you want to, you can attempt a relationship with her yourself. But I want you to be fully warned on who she is and who she most likely always will be. I'm 26 and in all these years she hasn't changed... as her daughter I have never been important to her, I've never meant anything to her, and she has never loved me.  Narcissists can't love... the only way they pretend to love anyone is if that person benefits them in some way. When I no longer  was benefitting her she no longer needed me and so she wanted to tear Justin and I up so that I would need her and therefore she could use and manipulate me. I don't want this for you or your brother. As much as I don't want her to ever abuse me again - I couldn't live with myself if I allowed her to ever hurt you or your brother in the ways that she's hurt me.
She's done everything she could to hurt us. She's taken my van, she's turned off our phones, she's kicked us down.
But Justin and I are working our butts off for you and your brother and we're gonna make it work. We will figure it out.
I also let you know that everything that happened had NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with how unstable your grandmother is.. you were being a normal 8 year old and Justin was setting a healthy limit as your caretaker as he should. Neither of you were in the wrong. I let you know how important you are to me and our family and that we love you very very much.
We do, you are a piece to our puzzle and we can't imagine life without you.
I love you, my sweet girl. <3 to the moon and back.